That thing is happening again…

funny-fuck-off-babies-dancing-time-statue-pics

About two years ago, people I know personally, started doing this thing where they were getting engaged and married and posting photos of it all over social media and junk. This freaked me the fuck out because it seemed like a very drastic and grown-up way to be like “I luv you 4eva xxx“. I thought we were still at the doodling each others names in our diaries stage, or carving the initials of the person we like into trees or our arms and stuff. I thought we were still all daydreaming about marrying Prince Harry and being princesses of England (he will notice me even though we have never met… I just know it!).

And now the trend has progressed to something even MORE drastic and ludicrous. At first it was just people putting rings on each others fingers (curious, very curious) and has now escalated to people mixing their saliva and body parts together and creating human life.

I’m talking about people I know having babies.

Like.

Actually.

On purpose.

Dayyyyummmm, I thought the word “Pregnant” was still up there with sentences like “her life is over” and “he got a girl” & “ohmygoddidyouHEAR!?”

But now everybody is all like “congratulations” and “that’s wonderful!”

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Oh yeah that’s right, I’m twenty five.

I’m in my MID-twenties. Day by day I’m closer to being thirty than I am to being twenty. I graduated from High School 8 years ago. People who were in year four when I was in year 12 can buy booze now and that’s totally fine (in Australia anyway, HAHA America still hates you 1996 – SUCK IT!)

And yet, in my mind I’m still 16. I’m like OH-SHIT-I-HOPE-MY-PARENTS-DON’T-FIND-OUT-I-FAILED-MY-EXAM oh wait that was a dream, that I had because I drank all this wine I bought without getting carded before I went to bed, and ate all this expensive cheese I paid for with my “real job” that I work, that I use to pay my bills that I have by myself in this life I live without my parents who don’t give a fuck so long as I’m not in jail, hospital, or dead.

I definitely want children.

I love kids (always have). I am not “baby-crazy” (go fuck yourself younger brother announcing this to table of friends at girls wing-night) but yes, I think tiny-humans are amazing, and cute and wondrous. But somewhere in my brain the word baby is synonymous with “adult” and when that word comes up, I look around the room because there’s no way they’re talking about me and my friends. We’re youths. We’re young people. We’re in our twenties, LONGhairDON’Tcare. Right? We’re hip, we’re cool. Do the kids still say “Hip” these days?! Lord I hope so. I need this.

I never wanted to be on 16 and Pregnant, but I also don’t want to be a part of MTV’s new  controversial programming 39 and Childless (copyright pending) or 41 and Wondering if she should go the IVF/Sperm Donor route or try to get on the adoption-list or if its too late (We’re still working on the title for that one).

If you never want children more power to you.

No ticking clock for you, nobody reminding you that by your age she had 3 kids, a husband a dog, 2 cars and a giant house in Malaysia. Right mum?

Soooo many of my single girlfriends tell me they’d like to, ideally, have their first baby by 29.

29?! How can you be so specific!? That’s in like, 4 years time yo.

First you’re going to have to find someone who wants to hang out with you more than once and in the daytime and who isn’t totally fucked, and then you’re going to have to convince this person to spend a shittonne of money on a joint party with you and all your annoying friends, the process of which is going to turn you into a mega-bitch and everyone is going to be like I don’t even want to go to that girls fragrance-free wedding anyway, and then you’re going to pour more money into a place that can accommodate your stuff ANNNND his stuff and that hopefully isn’t located in an area frequented by prostitues and crack whores (insert joke about Toronto’s mayor- eyyyyoooh) and then convince him that – you know what would make this stressful situation even more fun? Something I pushed out of my vagina that will live with us forever and if we kill it, we’re going to jail!

Four years?

You got this.

No seriously it could totally happen, and when it does – call me. Any time. I mean that. I’ll be awake because – you know… I don’t have an offspring, and I’m busy morphing my face with Prince Harry’s face to see what our babies will look like.

 

 

 

 

Destinations I will gladly travel to for your wedding

Being an international woman of the world (I am Carmen Sandiago and you ARE jealous) I have friends scattered across the globe, which is fun for me because I get facebook birthday messages for like 48 hours, AND I have sweet places to crash when I travel.

But I’m getting to that fucked up weird age where people I know are starting to commit to each other (ew) and get engaged and stuff (yay diamonds!)

This is all very well and good except that I am missing out on heaps of free alcohol (read: engagement parties) and obviously not getting to squeal and dance around like a lunatic with my lady friends. And today when I really thought about it, I was like, fuuu-oh-oh, because obviously I want to attend the weddings of the people I love, but a lot of them are on the other side of the planet and stuff. And from what I understand about “working” (I believe it’s pronounced yerking?) in the real world – there are certain limitations to the number of days you can just not show up.

With that in mind, I thought it would be really helpful for me to compile a list of totally great locations that my friends could choose from (that’d be great thanks) for their wedding destinations, so that I could get a vacation AND do whatever it is you do at weddings these days (sing songs? hold hands in a field and commune with the earth? weep quietly in the corner while stroking the table cloth and whispering, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” before getting into a physical fight with the bartender because what do you mean I’m cut off?!)

Bahamas

Bahamas

The Bahamas
Lets get you guys married, ANNNNNND get a tan. This location is ideal for me because I have really good boobs and can really rock a bikini, and we all know it’s not a good day unless i’m drawing attention to the one great physical trait I got out of my family gene pool (screw you height, I didn’t want to be able to reach things on the top shelf anyway). From what I understand, The Bahamas are kind of close to me (well… close to Miami) so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time on a plane and could spend more time with you guys drinking at the bar (see how I’m always thinking of you? I’m great like that).

Also it’s totally pretty and your wedding photos will look great and we’ll all get to stay together at a resort and it will definitely be like a slumber party from High School only with less junk food and the same amount of drama and gossip.

France

France

The France
So after some initial research (eg. clicking one link, because I can google and skim things just as well as you can- thanks university for teaching me to read one or two sentences and then just assume the rest) I have discovered that only a Civil Ceremony in France is legally binding, and it has to be done at Town hall (borrrring) and that the Mayor has to do it (doesn’t he have more important mayoral type stuff to be doing?)
BUUUUUUT you can totally have a ceremony and I vote somewhere pretty like the French Riviera or a tiny little town that is adorable and where we can embarrass ourselves and people don’t know us so its fine and there is delicious cheese. Isn’t Champagne a place? Lets go there, I’m betting they have alcohol there. Like maybe they’re known for their beer?
Why *I* like this Idea: K first off, it’s France, so obviously we will do your wedding thing AND THEN go stuff our faces with cheese and baguettes and go shopping. Maybe all at the same time. I can multi-task (I think).
Why *YOU* like this idea: France is far and expensive and so you can cut out those people you kindof didn’t really want to invite but kindof had too. Also your photos again will be adorable and the catering will be pretty good. I hear they have good cheese. I’m kindof into cheese. I can’t tell if you can tell. But um yeah. Thats why I’m coming to your wedding in France. And also I love you…and shit.

Safari

Safari

African Safari Wedding
Listen, your husband-to-be clearly likes animals, look at his Groomsman line-up, so let’s just add more Predators to the wedding and go do an African Safari! I know you’re thinking I chose this because I just want to do a Safari and I don’t want to go by myself, but nooooo. It’s totally about you and you’re totally special to me and OMFGLOOKAGIRRAFFE!! And back to you. Also think of all the nature and the stars and the beauty of life and junk. You’re a part of the circle of life now that you and your man are pairing off. So lets just add to that with the majesty of the African continent.
Why we don’t like this Idea: Pretty sure we’re going to have to get some EPIC injections before we head over to your Safari wedding, and I just recently had to get Tetanus AND Rabies when I got bitten by a monkey and those tiny sharp bits of metal HURTGODDAMNIT. So yeah. We are probably going to have to factor that in. But BONUS, I felt really sick and couldnt eat for a day and a half when I got the jabs, so we’ll be FULLY skinny and hot on your special day.

Vegas

Vegas

The Vegas
I think Vegas gets a bad rap from people like Britney who don’t take the sanctity of the institution very seriously (barf). But listen. We could make your Vegas wedding totally classy and awesome. They also have sweet hotels, it’s hot (so back in the swim suit) and amazing clubs (from what I hear…I haven’t been…I’m not cool enough to go…yet). Vegas makes sense because so many people get married there, I’m sure they have the whole wedding she-bang down to an art. Which leaves more time for us to hang out and gamble and make poor life decisions. Plus it’s totes close to LA, so after we’re done getting you wifed up, I’ll just head on over to Hollywood so they can finally discover me and make me famous.

Then you can say you had a celebrity at your wedding, which makes it about 5x cooler.

You’re welcome.

 

Paris

 

 

Things I know nothing about: Weddings

So it turns out that I’m old enough to know people who are my age that are getting married.

I feel like I’m not alone in this. You’re just a twenty something minding your own business and then BAM on Facebook a girl you went to high school with but don’t really know got engaged. Then there are the wedding pics 6-12 months later. Weird. But okay it’s on the periphery so I can deal…HOLY SHIT ANOTHER ONE!

You’re huddled under the covers rocking yourself to sleep thinking, “Okay but I never really knew her that well…” and then BAM, someone you do know well gets engaged.

Why are these people doing grown-up things when I can’t even use that blender I bought (It’s 10 speed okay…it’s really tricky).

Well. Ever since moving to Toronto I’ve met quite a few married people and they are quite normal and functioning. Granted that most of them are about 4-5 years older than me, (war wounds of dating a guy in that age bracket with lots of friends) but I’ve never really thought about it because they are already married and it kind of just seems like they’re a couple, but one of them has a big hard rock…and one of them has a pretty ring on her left hand. Did you see what I did there? That’s what we call “innuendo” or “an attempt at a dirty joke.” (WELL IF SOMEONE JUST HURRIED UP AND HIRED ME I WOULDN’T BE HOME ALONE WITH THE HEDGEHOG THINKING UP THESE TERRIBLE PUNS!)

I digress.

When I first started living in Toronto and started dating lovely Canadian boyfriend, he introduced me to many of his friends. One couple in particular I hit it off with, simply because they may be a crazier couple than Canuckboyf and I. It was love at first opening line when the female half of the couple sat down next to me at an event (at which I knew NO ONE and had literally been dating Canuckboyf for a month) and basically told me how she just wanted to get drunk and that we should go find the booze.

So we did. And may I say, the evening got less intimidating from there.

Anyway, we had some crazy fun nights with these two and then earlier this year the male half of this couple had some kind of revelation that he is dating one of the coolest chicks around, and proposed to her.

That’s so exciting!

Oh no wait! WHAT? That is TERRIFYING!

Yes. My reaction is over the top, and maybe you’re starting to think that I’m just a commitment-phobe. Fine. Yes. I have been known to run away from people that love me in the past, but that’s not it. This is more my fear about growing up and having to be a real person, rather than the fear of actually being with someone you love. I love love. I love the hollywood pre-packaged love. I like to look at pretty dresses and cakes and shoes and there were a good many years where one of my favourite parks in Hong Kong was my favourite because you could go on Saturdays and watch all the wedding photo’s taking place. I like wedding things.

But in my head I just finished High School…even though it has actually been six years, and I didn’t know anybody back then that was getting engaged or getting married and in my mind I still don’t. I’m still trying to pretend that I’m a child even though I’ve been allowed to drink and vote for over half a decade. The fact that I do a lot more of the former and very little of the latter just goes to show where my head is at. Maybe my wilful refusal to learn to drive is also a clue.

Regardless, I am turning 24 on Wednesday and that is something I have to face. I also know someone getting married. Fine. Breathe in, Breathe out.

A future picture of me on my wedding day

Yesterday I went to a bridal brunch. And it was really beautiful and lovely. It was the first bridal thing I’ve ever been too, and although internally I was freaking, I attempted to sit at the table like a calm lady, eat items from the delicious buffet and tried to not obviously eye-up the present table. I hoped mine didn’t look wrong. It wasn’t from the registry where I could buy my friend some towels or some bowels (the only available items), but was instead a couple of indulgent treats – the kind of thing I’d like to get.

Shall I rant about Registry’s? No, maybe another time. But seriously. I get the functionality of one. I do. But there is nothing exciting you can say about a steamer or a cake dish covering…whatever. Maybe one day if I get married I’ll be like “THANK GOD for the registry and my friends XYZ who got me this wonderful steamer.” Then I’ll tie on my apron, and clean the house waiting for my hardworking husband to come home so I can fix him a scotch and make him his dinner while telling the children to Shush and do their homemade jigsaw puzzle I created at my craft group.

At the table I was at for the bridal shower, were two girls who had recently-ish gotten married, and another girl who got engaged about a month ago. I felt like I was from another planet (more than usual) when listening to them talk about cake designers and venues. Maybe I would feel less like a fish out of water if I’d been to a wedding before and could make certain nodding motions about things like certain bands and dresses…but as it stands, I haven’t and I am mystified about things like that. The only contribution I could make to the girl discussing all the cakes she tried was…

what was your favourite flavour?!

Because honestly, that’s the only part of the conversation I could understand. CAKES?!!? CAKES HAVE FLAVOURS!!
Quick Paris, get involved! Ask about Flavours!

When she answered that she couldn’t choose, I still internally high-fived myself because hey, I asked a question in the right context and got a response.

Socializing WIN.

Weddings are exciting, and it’s exciting when people get engaged. It kinda feels like high school when we’d all freak out when one of the girls got asked out by one of the boys in Year Five and they were official after recess. Except this time it’s going to be LEGALLY official and somebody somewhere is dropping some serious dollars to make that happen.

Also it hopefully won’t be all over by lunch!

Since my friend-bride got engaged, Canuckboyfs flatmate also got engaged, my friend from Hong Kong who lives here got engaged, and another of the Boyfs close friends from High School got engaged. If they so choose to invite me to their weddings, that is another 3 weddings in the next 12-18 months. I guess it’s something I’m going to have to start getting used too… Anyone for a Cake Platter Cover?

At least nobodies pregnant yet…

Paris