That thing is happening again…

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About two years ago, people I know personally, started doing this thing where they were getting engaged and married and posting photos of it all over social media and junk. This freaked me the fuck out because it seemed like a very drastic and grown-up way to be like “I luv you 4eva xxx“. I thought we were still at the doodling each others names in our diaries stage, or carving the initials of the person we like into trees or our arms and stuff. I thought we were still all daydreaming about marrying Prince Harry and being princesses of England (he will notice me even though we have never met… I just know it!).

And now the trend has progressed to something even MORE drastic and ludicrous. At first it was just people putting rings on each others fingers (curious, very curious) and has now escalated to people mixing their saliva and body parts together and creating human life.

I’m talking about people I know having babies.

Like.

Actually.

On purpose.

Dayyyyummmm, I thought the word “Pregnant” was still up there with sentences like “her life is over” and “he got a girl” & “ohmygoddidyouHEAR!?”

But now everybody is all like “congratulations” and “that’s wonderful!”

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Oh yeah that’s right, I’m twenty five.

I’m in my MID-twenties. Day by day I’m closer to being thirty than I am to being twenty. I graduated from High School 8 years ago. People who were in year four when I was in year 12 can buy booze now and that’s totally fine (in Australia anyway, HAHA America still hates you 1996 – SUCK IT!)

And yet, in my mind I’m still 16. I’m like OH-SHIT-I-HOPE-MY-PARENTS-DON’T-FIND-OUT-I-FAILED-MY-EXAM oh wait that was a dream, that I had because I drank all this wine I bought without getting carded before I went to bed, and ate all this expensive cheese I paid for with my “real job” that I work, that I use to pay my bills that I have by myself in this life I live without my parents who don’t give a fuck so long as I’m not in jail, hospital, or dead.

I definitely want children.

I love kids (always have). I am not “baby-crazy” (go fuck yourself younger brother announcing this to table of friends at girls wing-night) but yes, I think tiny-humans are amazing, and cute and wondrous. But somewhere in my brain the word baby is synonymous with “adult” and when that word comes up, I look around the room because there’s no way they’re talking about me and my friends. We’re youths. We’re young people. We’re in our twenties, LONGhairDON’Tcare. Right? We’re hip, we’re cool. Do the kids still say “Hip” these days?! Lord I hope so. I need this.

I never wanted to be on 16 and Pregnant, but I also don’t want to be a part of MTV’s new  controversial programming 39 and Childless (copyright pending) or 41 and Wondering if she should go the IVF/Sperm Donor route or try to get on the adoption-list or if its too late (We’re still working on the title for that one).

If you never want children more power to you.

No ticking clock for you, nobody reminding you that by your age she had 3 kids, a husband a dog, 2 cars and a giant house in Malaysia. Right mum?

Soooo many of my single girlfriends tell me they’d like to, ideally, have their first baby by 29.

29?! How can you be so specific!? That’s in like, 4 years time yo.

First you’re going to have to find someone who wants to hang out with you more than once and in the daytime and who isn’t totally fucked, and then you’re going to have to convince this person to spend a shittonne of money on a joint party with you and all your annoying friends, the process of which is going to turn you into a mega-bitch and everyone is going to be like I don’t even want to go to that girls fragrance-free wedding anyway, and then you’re going to pour more money into a place that can accommodate your stuff ANNNND his stuff and that hopefully isn’t located in an area frequented by prostitues and crack whores (insert joke about Toronto’s mayor- eyyyyoooh) and then convince him that – you know what would make this stressful situation even more fun? Something I pushed out of my vagina that will live with us forever and if we kill it, we’re going to jail!

Four years?

You got this.

No seriously it could totally happen, and when it does – call me. Any time. I mean that. I’ll be awake because – you know… I don’t have an offspring, and I’m busy morphing my face with Prince Harry’s face to see what our babies will look like.

 

 

 

 

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Should I eat this expired Pork?

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Things you don’t know that only Google/Your parent can answer.

Should I eat this Expired Pork?
It’s best before date is 3 days ago, but it seems okay and it’s been in the fridge…?
Google says: NO!
Dad says: Yes. Just cook it well and it will be fine. Best before dates are for the retailer to sell it.
Verdict: Well I cooked it and will be having it for dinner. Usually I have an iron stomach… I guess we’ll soon see!

Should I book these tickets to Chicago for my birthday next month for a fun filled weekend of USA shenanigans?
Google says: Air Canada flights… your pet can accompany you on board… What the fuck google?! That doesn’t help me!
Parents say: Isn’t there something else you should be using that $300 for?
Verdict: Flights booked to Chicago! YAY!

Why does my stomach hurt after the equivalent of 3 wheels of Brie because there was a free cheese platter and I can’t help myself?
Google says: Here are 18 reasons your stomach might be hurting, including gall stones, Pancreatitis, Lactose intolerance (jesus christ, lets start with Gall stones and Pancreatic diseases before we suggest lactose intolerance… thanks for freaking me out google!)
Parents say: Don’t eat so much Brie Paris!
Verdict: I’m probably dying. Make sure they play ‘Party in the USA’ when I go.

What am I doing with my life?
Google says: Actually there are quite a lot of blogs and articles on this topic as other twenty something year-olds wonder where to go, what to do, how to chase their passions. Glad to know that I am not totally hopeless/alone and there are others like me out there (maybe even DOZENS of us) But no definitive tailored answer. Shit.
Dad says: Keep writing, you’re a super star, you’re amazing, you’ll get there!!
Mum says: Stop panic-ing, just live, here are some quotes, we love you.
Verdict: Curl up into a ball until this round of freaking out goes away. Thankyooooou emotional roller coaster.

Do I have a pension plan already, because I feel like my money is being sneaked out into one through tax and such and while I’d rather have that money now, I guess I should kind of know, right?
Google says: 

The Canada Pension Plan (CPP) retirement pension provides a monthly benefit to eligible Canadians.

You must have worked and made at least one valid contribution (payment) to the CPP to qualify for a CPP retirement pension. The standard age to begin receiving the pension is 65. However, you can take a permanently reduced CPP retirement pension as early as age 60 or take a permanently increased pension after age 65.

Dad says: Well you see… (and then I tuned out – although I love you Papa).
Verdict: Long hair, don’t care! I’ll worry about boring things like that when i’m boring, like when I turn 35.

If I keep eating the amount of sugar I do daily, will I get Diabetes?
Google says:

Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors.

Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories from any source contributes to weight gain. Research has shown that drinking sugary drinks is linked to type 2 diabetes.

Parents say: We have Diabetes in our family. You should be careful, eat healthy and regularly excercise.
Verdict: Change nothing, worry every once in a while.

Thanks Google & Parents. With your combined knowledge – I am more equipped to face every day.