Give me a Hand

funny-greeting-card-middle-finger

I stare at the back of my hands a lot because I mostly work at a computer and when I’m not staring at the glowing screen, I am staring at the body-tools that do almost everything, every day of my life.

Do you appreciate how much your hands can do for you? (Mind’s out of the gutter please)

In the summer of 2012 I met a guy with no arms who did everything with his feet. That was pretty incredible. And while he can play the drums with his feet and I can’t, I think I’ll stick to my hands thanks. Although his stomach muscles were AMAZING and my abs look like raw cookie dough.

And I’m so glad I have two hands because lots of times the tasks we need to perform require the pair, but there is a huge difference between your right and left hand, and as I started to think about this, I started to get all philosophical and junk (you know how I do).

Recently I’ve started wearing two rings, one on each hand. On my right hand is the ring my Grandmother gave me for my 21st birthday that is a Family heirloom (supposedly) and on my left, most recently, I’ve started wearing a ring my Roommate gave me that is funky and in the shape of a wish bone. With rings, for me it was a case of “where does the ring fit?!”

And then I started to get deeper into the functions of the left and right hands (hello bored-on-public-transport-mind-rambles).

I am right handed, so I do all my hand-written stuff with my right hand. What is it that I hand write these days? Not much! Signatures on things, work-related things that need to be filled out and sent back. I use my right hand for handshakes (as is custom), and most tasks, like using a computer mouse, brushing my teeth/hair. The right hand is for business and leads the way. And if you are right handed what does your left hand do?

Well, your left hand has the traditional western wedding-ring finger. For women, the second finger from the left is adorned with a ring when the woman becomes engaged, and Men and Women typically where rings on that same finger to signify that they are married.

Does this mean that my right hand is for business and my left hand is for family/love?

Hands are often symbolic of friendship, but after a brief google search and a quick skim, I also found this:

Left Hand Right Hand
Passive Assertive
Justice Mercy
Lunar Solar
Emotion Logic
Receiving Giving
Unconscious Conscious

Which is kind of interesting and totally backs up what I was saying.

Yay Science/Internet browsing!

If we didn’t have hands we couldn’t:
-Open Jars of Nutella
-Clean ourselves after eating an entire jar of Nutella
-Give people the middle finger when they judge us for eating all the Nutella before we get to the checkout
-Smack bitches who comment on how much Nutella we’ve been eating and how fat we are now
(This post sponsored by Nutella, just kidding but hey Nutella call me….)

All in all, I’m glad for hands, and I’ll definitely be more thankful for them on a daily basis. Especially since my feet are gross and I don’t want to have to learn how to play the drums with them. Like I can’t play the drums anyway…but yeah!

End ramble.

 

 

What they Said v.s What they Meant

Oh hello there.

Yes, you, random blog follower/internet Connoisseur.

Welcome to Austraaliens fantastical Wednesday blog post featuring your host (me) blunt, vertically challenged, Australian, do-gooder, and the ridiculous and often troublesome existence of my being.

Shall we begin?

Excellent.

Now, take off your pants and lie down on this slab of marble. The werewolf mechanic will be here shortly.

Oh no wait!

That’s the opening line to the second chapter of what is sure to be my new Erotic BestSeller, ‘Werewolf mechanic, howls at your moon’…

I’ve completely digressed from where I was going.

Let me just re-fill this pipe and we’ll begin again.

Alright.

Now where was I.

Ah yes.

Passive Aggressive Torontonians.

Now, I’m a fairly mild-mannered person when it comes to most things. If I’m angry, you’ll know – because I will punch you. If I’m sad, you’ll see because my face will look like this:

My emotions are fairly close to the surface.

That, and I’m blunt. Maybe too blunt. But the great thing about bluntness is, it saves time and avoids confusion.

I find that Canadians in general, are not very blunt.

This has caused a fair amount of cultural-lost-in-translation moments since I first arrived here six months ago. (Oh you Canucks and your polite-ish ways. How do you stand your maple syrup selves?)

But the thing that most gets to me, is the way people get angry here. No one gets REALLY shouty angry. It’s more quiet, snarky, commenty angry. And quiet angry frightens me. Quiet angry is from childhood, the moment before your parents would EXPLODE with rage.

Side story: When I was a (spoilt) child and my brothers and I were all under the age of ten, my mother made and painted for us the most INCREDIBLE child-sized table and chairs. The four chairs, (if I remember correctly) were shaped and painted like Jasmine, Peter Rabbit, The little mermaid and Winnie the Pooh. The table was painted beautifully and had corresponding character friends in the corners of the table (Flipper was one I can remember…the others not so much). Despite being somewhat of an underrated artist, my mother was also working as a radio announcer on a breakfast show, raising us three scally wags, looking after the house, 2 dogs, cat, 2 birds and being married to my lovely father who was going through somewhat of a midlife crisis (pretty much every 3-5 years) (dyeing hair blonde, buying motorcycles). I now realize that my mother would have only been a few years older than I am now, having gotten the babies popped out nice and early.

ANYWAY

Side story continued:┬áMy Mum was/(is) a yeller. When she is ANGRY.YOU.FUCKING.KNOW.IT. She wasn’t really a smacker, but getting shouted at on the occasions we were naughty, was like a smack to the eardrums. Fine. So I can deal with shouting, and while those times were scary, they were hot air and tears and then kisses and forgiveness. It was the quiet, simmering anger, the kind that only came out rarely in my mother, that terrified the living shit out of me. When my Mum was REALLY angry, back in the day, and we’d be sitting at our awesome table, bickering and being little pricks, my Mum would calmly and quietly go to the kitchen drawer, take out the wooden spoon (a symbol of smack-time) and put it on the table in front of us.

No yelling. Just a quiet danger.

Our instant reaction would be to sit up amazingly straight, stop whatever nonsense or tom-foolery we had previously been about, and resume dainty, quiet table manners, like the ladies we would all become.

That is how I feel in Toronto sometimes. Not like a lady with impeccable table manners, but rather as a child at a Disney table who has been presented with a calm quiet fortune of wooden doom.

Today for example, taking the crowded subway downtown because it’s wet and cold, everyone is squished into the car. I flatten myself so people can get past me that want to get out and a women with a bad hair-cut says passive-aggressively “Good job not moving!” as she shoulder charges me out the door.

I never bother to reply, but today I stared at her pallid gross face and said with all the haughtiness I could muster “There’s no need to be rude.” Did I feel good? Not especially. I’ll never see that woman again. Okay maybe I felt a little good. Bitch, that’s right I got the last word in.

There really IS no need to be rude.
She could have said “excuse me” or “could you move please” or “If I could just get by..”
OR
She could have been angry, own that anger, go for it and say “MOVE FOR GOD’S SAKE” or “FUCKING MOVE” or “EXCUSE ME WALRUS YOU’RE IN THE WAY.” I mean I would have gotten it. It’s Wednesday, number one, it’s cold outside but SWELTERING in the subway, and in general if you’re a middle-aged woman with a terrible sense of style, well I mean…you’re just generally going to be mad.

But seriously….

Grow a pair and say what you mean. That, or don’t take the f-ing subway!

Now excuse me while I sip brandy beside my TV which is set on the log fire channel.

Good day.