5 things I thought would be different when I left home

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It has been almost 10 years since I left home and went out into the wild, scary, unknown world of adulthood living. I feel like I was truly and utterly underprepared for what was out there, and had I known, I’d have pulled a jew-dude (TM) and stayed at home until I was thirty.

But just like with black, there’s really no going back once you have fled the familial nest.

I just had so many misconceptions on what I thought living away from my parents would look like.

skeptical-baby

  1. “I can eat whatever I want!”
    Oh, oh…ohhh how I dream of the lovingly prepared home cooked meals of yesteryear. So angry and angsty was I, when a meal was NOT EXACTLY what I felt like eating, but instead an equal measure of vegetables, meat and grains. MEAT! Do you know how expensive that shit is?! What I would give, to have two middle aged people cooking for me three times a day…
  2. “I can stay up SO late”
    Want to know what I did Friday, Saturday and Sunday night this past weekend? Binge watched The Wire (because I’m about 15 years behind in my television programming at this point). I am a morning person, so around 10/10.30pm I start to fade fast. I used to think living away from my parents would be sooooooo wicked because I could just drink and party and watch movies all night long…Turns out my favourite thing these days is sleep. Yeah. I’m pretty cool actually.

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  3. “I do what I want!”
    So long as it doesn’t cost money. Seriously. Sometimes over the last few years I have had all of the freedom and none of the money (funemployed/between contracts) and other times I have had some of the money and none of the time (J.O.B). When can I have all of the money and all of the freedom? (right…right…when I rob a bank Oceans Eleven style…got it…have you guys SEEN that movie? It just came out recently in 2001)
  4. “I can date whoever I choose!”
    Remember when your parents hated that guy you were dating in High School and you were like IHATEYOUWEAREINLOVEyoudon’tunderstandmeGETOUTOFMYROOM! Yeah well. Turns out they were right. Man when I was single, I would have given my left ovary (she’s the gimpy one I suspect) for my parents to be hovering over my shoulder as I swiped like: “No. No. No. Yes Paris. No he will have a weird thing for feet. No. No. What about that nice boy from the coffee shop?” It turns out I just wanna date guys that my parents will like and not weirdo’s with spider-man face tattoo’s. Go figure.
  5. “I’m going to get a creative job and YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”
    In grade 12 when picking degree time came, my mother said to me: “Do a degree with the name of a job in it” and I laughed in her face as I applied for my Bachelor of Arts. I guess, if you were to squint your eyes, choke yourself a bit until no oxygen went to your brain and then smoked some meth – you could really consider my whole life one elaborate “Art”. “So what do you do Paris?” oh me? I’m Art. Yeah I studied it at University. In reality, life has been interesting in the working world (#noregrets) but I definitely find myself veering more towards the corporate world as I see all my fellow creatives struggling and think fucccckthatshit. Oh you live in a basement apartment with your sibling, sister and co-business partners and you work in a deli 3 days a week but your new album just dropped on myspace? Cool dude, Imma go over here and work on my excel skills though….

So many people I know have babies now. Literally holding an infant a week ago and thinking: “this adorable squishy baby girl is going to slam a door in your face some day.”

I wish I could go back ten years and slap some sense into my 17 year old self. Eat my free meals, get my free laundry, and remind myself that unfortunately…your parents were right. Uh! Gross.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or maims you horrifically for life

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I like that saying: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”(WDKYMYS). It sounds good, it’s inspirational. It makes you think “Heck, things were tough/awful/soul destroying – but I’m still here!!”

People have appropriated that saying into songs (looking at you Kelly Clarkson), put it on T-shirts, tattooed it on their bodies, put it over pictures of sunsets and posted it on each others walls when their friends have been dumped by jerk’s named Derrick (fuck you Derrick you meanie!)

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I like the expression, but I don’t know if I always agree with it.

Because sometimes things kill you a little bit inside and they make you feel weaker, they throw off your game.

Was Leo’s character stronger at the end of the Revenant after he got fucked up by a bear, watched his son get murdered, was left for dead and then had to crawl through the snow and shit of 1800’s Canada to Murder my future ex-husband/baby-daddy Tom Hardy’s character? (Oh yeah, spoiler alert… but seriously if you haven’t seen that movie yet get your shit together – it was nominated for and lost best picture like 5 months ago).

I mean…I guess he was stronger – like how calluses get stronger on the tops of your feet. But he was also weaker because he had lost his humanity, and he was a murderer murderer and he was gross (like a callus – see how I tied all that together? Yay Creative Writing Masters degree)

I wonder if people use WDKYMYS as a way to excuse awful situations they don’t know how to extricate themselves from?

I’d consider myself a strong person who has faced some challenges. Would I exchange them for an easy life where some of the shitty things didn’t happen to me? Yes of course! I’m not insane. Faced with two choices: an easy road and a hard, bush-basher of a path, I think most of us would choose the easy option.

But life doesn’t work like that, and there are plenty of things that will try to throw you off the plans you’ve made, a death in the family, a financial set-back, a painful divorce, an unexpected illness.

So I propose a re-word. “What doesn’t kill you makes you different” – because not all things make you stronger, and thats okay too.

You are not a failure if you come out of a near-death-esque experience and think: “well that fucking sucked” and you’re not stronger.

End of Thought.

 

7 Things male animals do that make them better than male humans

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I am in no way condoning bestiality over here, but seriously, males in the wild are working their asses off to impress the female of their breed.
Which is perhaps more than can be said for my species (although many of them it’s like we’re in the wild, guys it’s called a brush…get one), I mean from what I know from afar, because…you know. I’ve never even kissed a boy or seen one up close (hi Mum and Dad).

Here are 7 things male animals do that make them better than male humans

1. Penguins finding the perfect pebble for their mate
Okay. You’re thinking to yourself, Paris, you are an idiot. Human males give certain rocks (diamonds) to their mates as a sign of affection allllll the tiiiiimmmmme. It’s called an engagement ring, and just because you’ve never been offered one, doesn’t mean they don’t exist in real life (hypothetical question time out:…if a tree falls in the woods, and everybody else is off getting engaged…does my forever-alone sobbing still make a sound??! Annnnd unfreeze, back to the blog).
And I would say, yes kind sir, you are right, there is a similarity to human males presenting stones to their beloved, BUT I would argue that Penguins do it better. Why??! Because according to the few articles I scanned birefly, Penguins scour the whole damn beach to find that perfect stone! They do all the hard work by themselves. They didn’t just go into Tiffany’s and/or their friend Ari’s store. Did your human male go to Africa to source that shiny stone? Did they comb the mines of Diamond-topia (where I assume diamonds come from) to choose the perfect raw material to adorn your nest finger I think not. Penguins > Humans. I rest my case.

vintage-awkward-wedding-photo

2. Frogs sing to their mates
The last time a guy full on sang to me, I was in a Karaoke bar the wrong side of 2am and immediately after his unintelligible rendition of, I think “Achy Breaky heart,” he threw up in his mouth a little and ran out of the room, to, I guess, throw up somewhere not his own orifice. SO Romantic. We’re getting married in the spring! And I ain’t no frog, so frog singing doesn’t appeal to me any more than what I just described above (who am I kidding, it totally appeals more) but if I was a frog, I’d be all into it. There is nothing more adorable than a male human crooning to you. They don’t have to be amazing (I’m casting my mind back to year 10 when my first ever boyfriend and his band wrote a part of their song about me and dedicated it to me at the battle of the bands. “Fall from Glory” Swoon!) but it’s definitely got to be sincere, like a frog. Got it?

3. Birds of Paradise bust a move 
Birds of Paradise dance and do a display to attract a female mate. Which I’m pretty sure was what was happening at the Cougar Bar I wound up at last weekend, only, I’m not attracted to the display of you thrusting your pelvis’s in the direction of anything with a vagina and pumping one fist in the air. You might want to work on your motions (thanks thesaurus.com), overly handsy guy I just walked past. Oh sorry, did walking over here with my female friend denote that we are both ready and available for mating? Nope. Male Birds of Paradise have better moves than most/all human males. Don’t believe me? Check it. You’re welcome. Don’t get trapped in the animal planet part of youtube. It’ll suck up your time and the weekend will be over before you know it. And there are things you can never unsee.

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4. Seahorses give birth like a boss
You read that right. Male seahorses are the ones that give birth. I know, I know, you and I are both thinking about having species-re-assignment surgery. It’s okay. This is a safe place. I am a seahorse trapped in the body of a human. Shhh. It’s all good. We’ll find a way to tell your racist, homophobic, speciest Great Aunt Maude. No but seriously. I know a few people who have given birth recently and from what I understand, that shit is disgusting. I even wrote a blog about it which you can view here. If your male human REAAAAALLY loved you, he’d find a way to be the one to carry and birth your offspring. What, you mean you aren’t going to bend the laws of what is physically possible for our species? Well fuck you guy, we’re done! *Storms out into the rain and calls girlfriends for post-breakup-with-non-pregnant-boyfriend cocktails.*

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5. Bower birds and their Sweet Pads
The male humans that live without female cohabitation that I know, live one level above utter filth. There are slums in Mumbai that smell better than some of the apartments inhabited solely by males of the human variety that I’ve walked into. SO I think we can all agree that they have something to learn from the male Bower Bird, who takes decorating his nest VERY seriously. And you might argue that you know guys that take care of their habitat, to which I would counter argue that that male probably didn’t build his own home from twigs and sticks and isn’t a bird and didn’t choose each item lovingly and/or steal it from his neighbor. Or maybe he did, in which case, you’ve got a real keeper there.

Good God I'm Attractive

Good God I’m Attractive

6. Anglerfish
So, if you’re like me and you LOVE finding Nemo, you vaguely know about these guys. What you may not know is that female Anglerfish are often hundreds of times larger than their male counterparts. Ever tried to go out with a dude that is skinnier than you. I know I haven’t. I am a curvy (read, borderline fat) girl who likes to feel like a dainty princess. Is that going to happen when my boyfriends legs are skinnier than mine. NoIDon’tThinkSo. (And suddenly my mother justifies the pattern of my last 3 boyfriends in her mind and can sleep content at last.) Being the bigger, stronger one in the relationship is fine…but not for me.

Also, the Anglerfish have a REALLY weird mating habit. Because these guys hang out way way down in the deep and encounters are rarer than finding a good guy on OKcupid, the male Anglerfish becomes a parasite that just hangs onto the female.

Wiki says: “When a male finds a female, he bites into her skin, and releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing the pair down to the blood-vessel level.[15] The male becomes dependent on the female host for survival by receiving nutrients via their shared circulatory system, and provides sperm to the female in return. After fusing, males increase in volume and become much larger relative to free-living males of the species. They live and remain reproductively functional as long as the female lives and can take part in multiple spawnings”….

UM. No. I don’t want to be responsible for a guys survival, nor do I want us to be fused together. I think the humans have won this round….

7. Penis Fencing… nuff said
Wow. Aren’t you glad that you know that a thing such as penis fencing exists? I know I am, and I’m not talking about two dudes crossing streams at the urinal (which in my imagination happens all the time, especially in corporate office bathrooms). So there are these creatures called hermaphroditic flatworms, and turns out these creates carry both egg producing ovaries and sperm producing testes.

This is taken straight from Wikipedia:
“The flatworms “fence” using two-headed dagger-like penises which are pointed, and white in color. The mating ritual involves a violent battle during which two hermaphroditic flatworms attempt to pierce the skin of one another with one of their penises. The “winner” is the organism that inseminates the other; the winner becomes the father. The sperm is absorbed through pores in the skin, causing fertilization in the “loser,” who becomes the mother.

Child-bearing, while necessary for successful offspring production, requires a considerable parental investment in time and energy, and according to Bateman’s principle, almost always burdens the “mother”. Thus, from a biological point of view, it is preferable to be the father rather than the mother. However, there are other hermaphroditic species where both partners try to be inseminated rather than to inseminate”

Wow….

I have nothing to say about that except I think in that instance, I’m fine with the way human beings do things.

So keep it up dudes (literally I guess…in the mating sense) you won 2/7.

Things that are Gross about Childbirth AKA It’s my Birthday! Yay!

I’m so glad I was born.

I’m not sure how I would have come to exist if I wasn’t, but I’m definitely not thankful enough that my parents decided to fuck around with their birth control and then actually have me. Cheers you guys!

Pregnancy and Childbirth look kind of revolting and terrifying from where I’m standing and in recognition of the day I was ejected into the world, I thought I would compile a short list of the things that look the grossest from over here in singleton (population one).

Enjoy

5 Things that are Freaky about Pregnancy & Childbirth

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1. There is a person…inside you…and not in a Saturday night way
I always thought it was weird watching movies (and…I guess in real life) when an expectant mother is like “hey put your hand over here. You can feel the baby kicking.” What. THE. Fuck. A baby is kicking you in the stomach…from inside your stomach. Why would I want to touch that!? Why aren’t you freaking out?! Lets think about that for a second longer. Your child is living inside you. That is his or her house. Near your organs. Am I the only one that thinks thats a bit fucked up? I get it. Thats how babies are made (I took year seven sex ed thankyouverymuch and I’m pretty sure Australian babies are stored the same way as other babies…just upside down). I don’t want a person to live inside me! In todays society we get so little personal space in big cities, and you’re telling me I have to share my insides.

man thats whack.

2. Mood Swings … You in?
Sometimes its hard to know when something is just a you thing or if it’s an everybody thing. Like PMS for example. It is generally understood that most women suffer in one way or another from PMS. Angry/crazy mood swings, feeling sad, feeling fat, feeling paranoid, crying for no reason at all. I can get a handle on that, most women I know are somewhere on the crazy scale at all times. We get it, we’ve been there, maybe we’re there right now. NO I’M NOT! *cries*

Now I’m trying to imagine being pregnant. It’s likely just you (and your new pregnant friends that you made at some weird class where you practise giving birth or something) and your mood swings. You feel like you’re being crazy and going through this alone…yeah pretty much. No body understands what your going through…well other women who have had babies probably do a bit, but they aren’t actually with you in the moment right now. So… you clutch that watermelon and cry. You go Glen Coco.

3. and Stretch Marks…
Oh man, what’s not sexy about stretch marks?

4. 5Childbirth
I hate needles. I fainted in thailand after I had to get two shots after some freaking monkeys attacked me. Giving birth to a child seems like it involves a tonne of needles. Pain blockers (obviously) drips (uhhhhnooo) tests, surgery if it’s a C-section. They will cut you open or your child will rip you open. Decisions, decisions.
We all know where I could go on this topic. But I’m not going to go there. Mainly because if I start typing out all the things that are on the tip of my tongue, I’m going to start imagining them, and I’ve been trying really hard not to throw up at work today (so far, success!)
But lets all just agree that Childbirth looks painful and messy, and I don’t know how people did it before all the drugs that can take you off to a happy place. Props ancestors. Props.

5. Now what?
Now you have had your child and then…now you are responsible for this creature…forever. My mum just posted a thing on Facebook about how she can’t believe how fast the time has gone now I’m at the quarter century mark. And she’s still not rid of me. I’m going to be drink dialling that woman for the rest of her life. Hope you enjoyed those brief 19 years where I wasn’t in your life demanding attention and care every single day. Golden days.

Happy birthday to me, and to my parents who had me (not you Dad, you just got to stand in the room) and raised me and stuff.

I guess having a baby must not be all bad because people keep doing it.

And hey, I’ve thought about doing skydiving, so probably one day i’ll be crazy enough to think reproducing is a great idea.

Hopefully by then there will be some kind of technology where you can just put all the bits together into a holographic microwave type machine and then a baby just kind of gets made.

That or pull a Nicole Kidman and just pay someone else to have it.

End Rant.

 

That one time, at Band Camp, when we made a Video out of my Blog

Hey Peeps

That's you!

That’s you!

 

Remember that time AustraAlien teamed up with a really cool chick with a camera, a dude named Daniel who was kind-of just along for the ride, and a freaking hilarious musician to turn one of her blogs into a video and then posted that video on her blog?

Great news! That day is this day!

You may watch below.

Enjoy the fantastic “sleep-acting” and sexy belly squeeze.

You’re welcome.

5 Things Drunk you thought were amazing ideas AKA Your Sunday Full of Remorse

5. I am totally going to do my makeup AFTER I’ve started drinking 

tumblr_m8dep1uFPM1ruvkovRemember that time you were five years old and you went into Mum’s room when she wasn’t watching you and you went to her special bag and pulled out that magical stuff she put on her lips which was in the cool thin tube? You put it all-over your face and thought: “dayuuuum I look good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!”

That is you- drunkenly trying to apply make up to your face AFTER the 3 glasses of wine. Sure maybe your inhibitions were down and you got a bit creative and that is OKAY so long as you pass out before actually making it to the bar. Just remember that you like to mupload whilst you are drinking, so you’ve no one to blame for the 12 or so pictures on your facebook in the morning, except yourself.

Tell me I'm pretty?

Tell me I’m pretty?

4. I can totally drink beer after my wine and those tequila shots!

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Yeayahhhhh!! I can drink what I want and not get sick. And if I do throw up a little, that’s cool. Shake it off, rinse that mouth out and get back into it. You’re fine. Until the next day where you roll over and you can hear your brain scraping along the inside of your skull and if you smell any kind of food at all…you might quit living.

3. Drunken cooking

web video - My Drunk Kitchen

 

When you’re too poor/lazy for late night Chinese and the stomach is c-ah-raving something delicious, be sure to give in to that. You can be as messy as you want because drunk you ain’t got time for dishes and stuff! That’s a job for sober you and that girl is a cranky bi-yatch anyway. Be inventive. Never thought cereal and mashed potato was good combo? WRONG, because you just ate crushed up cornflakes and cheese sprinkled on top of that sweet sweet mash, and guess what losers? It was delicious.

2. Dealing with Clothing

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If you like to put on your makeup drunk, try choosing an outfit! Those pesky clothes hangers are getting in the way of your outfit and killing your vibe. Better to hold things up to your body and then just toss them on the bed or floor! Who can be bothered to put things away when Beyonce is blaring in the background??! Girls gotta look fabulous. There’s nothing better than waking up to a totally trashed room. Amiright?

1. Drunk Texting

Debatably less dangerous than Drink Driving, Drink texting leads to all kinds of sober-morning-after remorse, and/or pregnancy. Why don’t our smart phones come equipped with the iCondom, to protect you and potential partners from the spread of unwanted drunken text messages? Somebody call Apple!

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“Improvise”

A Star Nosed Mole

A Star Nosed Mole one of the stranger creatures on our beautiful planet

 

January 2013 marked 11 years since my family moved to Hong Kong for the second time. And although it’s just my mum who lives here now, and I’ve lived in Sydney, Australia for four of those years and Toronto, Canada for two, Hong Kong feels the most like home. Perhaps that is why, I always feel like I’m re-finding myself when I am here. This is the city of my first true love, my first night out, some of my oldest and closest friends. I can be away for a year and a half, and still navigate myself around like I never left. I think I walk these streets in my dreams, and years melt away when I see those familiar faces. Expat brats are one of a kind people.

It’s probably unsurprising then, that I value the advice I get when I’m here. There are a lot of older and wiser people than me, who’ve led very interesting lives that live here. And I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by love and by people who want to see me succeed, and only want the best for me.

This evening I went for a few cheap cocktails with Miss J. I met Miss J exactly ten years ago when we were both in High School and when we both signed up to do the Hong Kong Youth Arts Festival production of ‘Footloose’. What an experience. Forty five of the most frustrated Drama/Musical Theatre geeks from all the different High Schools in Hong Kong, thrown together into one huge all singing all dancing production.

We spent hours together at rehearsal, and hours hiding in the bowels of the Shouson Theatre in Wan Chai. We were just kids, chasing our passion and singing our hearts out. Bonds were formed that have continued to this day.

So back to the cocktails. Miss J has her head screwed on pretty straight and to me, it seems like not much fazes her. I could say “J, i’ve decided to sign up for the Mars cruiser expedition. I’m leaving in 8 years and I’m not coming back” and this girl would take a breath, think about it and then say “Ok. great.”

She rocks.

So tonight when we went for a few drinks and I was telling her (for the 100th time) that I don’t-know-what-I’m-doing-with-my-life, and-I’m-24-and-OMG-who-am-I?-And-I-Like-Toronto-But-what-about-London?-Or-New-York?-Or…

And after listening to me rant for a little bit, sipping on her Lychee Bellini, she put her hand on my arm and said “Paris…do what you always do…just Improvise.”

…..

I felt like this girl had just transfigured into Buddha at the Bar and an ethereal light was beaming out of the top of her head and bouncing around the room.

Improvise.

Right.

Life is a series of Improvisations. Things happen, you go with them, you make decisions and you get on with your life.

I never realized that was what I was doing. I kind of thought things were just happening in my life that were a random series of events. Which is kind of what happens in Improvisation, an offer is made and then you run with it. There is no saying no in Improv, you can take what is offered and transform it into something else, but you never just stop.

That isn’t how life works.

Okay maybe it was the three (very strong) cocktails, but something suddenly clicked in my brain.

I’ve decided to go with the flow and continue to accept the offers that open to me and not put too much pressure on the way the story pans out.

After all it’s all just a bit of fun.