Mars One: The Reality TV show

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It may not seem like it when you first meet me (insert joke about Blonde hair and big boobs here) but I am absolutely fascinated by Space (and not just because I want to be a big STAAAAAAAR). And it is with growing fascination that I learn about the ‘One Way Ticket to Mars’ shenanigans, which has all the elements of my favourite reality TV show rolled into one.

A group of people (most, presumably with strange social habits, because duh…you want to take a one-way ticket to mars) are going to be living in a confined space, far removed from the rest of society, with many challenges to overcome. Forever.

Get the pop-corn ready girls, looks like a marathon of epic reality TV viewing.

I mean… seriously.

This is like Big Brother on LSD…in space.

But I don’t think these people are crazy for wanting to be like “Catchya!” to earth and pissing off to another planet. I mean think about it!?

Didn’t get invited to that thing on Facebook, no worries, I’M IN SPACE.
Oh, your friends are all getting married and having babies and you aren’t…YEA WHATEVER, I’M THE FIRST PERSON TO LIVE ON MARS. dick.
So much debt…NOT ON MARS THERE AIN’T. take that phone bill.
I’m getting heavier the older I get… BITCH YOU WEIGH A THIRD OF WHAT YOU WOULD WEIGH ON MARS. okay size zero

Is it any wonder then that over 200,000 people have applied for the 4 spots they’re creating for the One way trip?

And okay, okay, family and friends and stuff and like…missing them and junk. It would suck to never get to pat a puppy again or see a rainbow or lick a tree (hey! it’s a free country) but think about all the amazing and vast…amazingness that’s out there in space. That nobody has ever really seen? Think about all the unique instagram uploads. #marsmondays #yolo #i’msoaloneoutheresomebodyrescueusi’vemadeahugemistakeandijustwantsomemcdonalds. You’d get so many followers! And you’d be so internet (and book) famous. Know who Neil Armstrong and Buzz Alrdin are? I thought so.

I just hope that the Mars One mission people know what they’re doing/have a good Television Production crew working on this.

The Reality TV potential is enormous. They are going to select 24 applicants and then the TOP 4 are the ones off to Mars.

X Factor eat your heart-out.

I hope Simon Cowell is somehow involved.

I hope they pick some interesting character types. If I was going to guess, I’d predict a show like Big Brother, mixed with Survivor and Beauty and the Geek.

Here are my predictions for the top 4 candidates off to Mars.

The Hot Jock Guy

The Hot Jock Guy

The Hot Jock-type Astronaut 
A fine Specimen. He is intelligent (duh, he’s an astronaut) and totally the leader of the group. He’s fantastic in a crisis because he can keep cool calm and collected, and people gravitate towards him because he gets shit done (and he’s gorgeous.)
How he Impressed the judges
His story of losing his Mother, Father and Baby sister in a tragic fire provoked him to become a fire fighter, and it was his grandmothers dying wish that he go to Astronaut school to become an astronaut (quiet, just go along with it). Obviously it’s good that he doesn’t have a family tying him to earth, and he’s so good looking, the first baby born on Mars is going to be totally hot. Also – the entire world is going to enjoy watching him for the rest of his life.

The Smart Hot Female

The Smart Hot Female

The Smart Hot Female-type Astronaut
She’s some kind of Scandinavian/Swedish/Finnish and was the best most brilliant student in her Airforce squad (conquering the fact that she is both attractive AND a woman in a male dominated work environment yayforyou – cue Mulan style montage). Her parents are ageing scientists who believe their sacrifice of their daughter to space was inevitable. She will be expected to hook up with the hot Jock at some point during the mission… but will she… or will her eye be caught by the unfortunate-looking but brilliant…

Quiet Nerdy One

Quiet Nerdy One

The Quiet Nerdy-type Astronaut
This guy almost failed his physical (because of overly skinny/overweight body – this cliche is inter-changeable so… you choose!) but his mind is so brilliant the Mars One people couldn’t possibly not select him. He once re-routed a computer using a pineapple an envelope slicer and an out-of-date 2008 calendar. He will likely hookup with the Hot female-type astronaut much to the chagrin of the producers and the future race of Mars which will be slightly less attractive, but way better at computers.
Why did he try out for Mars One
A real lack of interest in socializing with people on earth, led Quiet Nerdy-type Astronaut to seek a higher purpose. Little did he know when he signed up for the program, he’d be getting a crash course in love…and friendship…cue music and….MARS ONE opening credits… oh hang on we forgot one.

The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut AKA the one that will die first

The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut that we’ll never know too much about AKA the one that will die first probably

The Smart, Attractive, Black-type Astronaut that we’ll never know too much about AKA the one that will die first
Don’t get too used to seeing this guy around Mars Base camp, because if there is anything to be learned from movies like Aliens, Stargate, The Core, Red Dawn, Alen vs Predator Requiem (I could go on, there is a list) it’s that in a situation like the Mars One, there are going to be problems (not necessarily with Aliens, although I’m not ruling that out) and who is going to get killed first/sacrifice themselves for the sake of the group and the success of the mission. THIS GUY.
Why is he even going to Mars?
Who knows?! He’s totally probably smart and healthy enough to be there, we’ll just not really get a sense of his time line is all I’m saying.

If this is the first you’ve heard about the Mars Mission – go educate yourself but for now, BRB – Jerry Bruckheimer is on the phone.

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Things I wish I knew before I did my Masters of Creative Writing AKA you should have spent your money on shoes

Hey Past Paris, how’s it going? So adorable that you just turned 21 and that you’re finishing up your Bachelor of Arts degree. It’s a miracle you passed every subject (hey…a 51 is still a pass OKAY) and that they’re ACTUALLY going to let you graduate when you were supposed to. All those last minute assignments you handed in (some that you began the DAY they were due and were mostly just made up sentences that you hoped made sense because lets be hungover…you drank 7/7 days of the week) were totally worth it, and now, because that 3 years went by in a flash, you’re thinking you’ll do a Masters Degree because you aren’t quite ready to join the real world? That’s sweet, and a great idea considering Australia has this Higher Education thing where you don’t have to start paying back your student loans until you make over a certain amount of money (don’t worry – you’ll flee the country before that happens/at this rate – you’ll never make more than that minimum amount anyhow!).

Except a Masters today does not hold the currency it used to, dear old past me. They’re handing those out like free condoms at the walk-in clinic, and by the time you’re twenty two, you’ll have yours, and everyone will assume you’re a genius in North America (because they make them do like four year degrees or some shit) but we all know you’re just a chicken who applied for the program the day it was closing, and who nearly didn’t make it because you forgot your passport, so you had to use your feminie wiles (and your tears) to convince the dickhead at student services to process your application.

And that Masters in Creative Writing (dear god why didn’t you do something like marketing or business-y so you could actually find a real job?!) is going to be a great talking point… but here are some home truths:

More Valuable than your Masters, is the Interning you do:
The Master’s contact hours I had were a joke. 7pm-9pm Monday-Thursday. Sure there was a lot of writing involved – but I did that ANYWAY because I love writing. SO to fill my time (and feed myself) I got a job doing shitty admin (this is what  has led to more jobs in the future, so thank you universe!) and got stuck into interning for free at a Television Production Company 3 days a week.

This is where I discovered my true passion and the career path I had vaguely known I wanted all along. Turns out  I am a WHIZ at juggling people on set, in a production office, PR people, people I need to get things from (like permission to film for free on a set) 20 year old reality “stars”, major networks and crew. Turns out I thrived on the drama, and learn’t more in 8 months interning (and then being hired and paid!) than I did from sitting in a classroom analyzing the screenplay for Scar face.

Get used to Temping/Retail while you look for that foot in the door:

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Truth be told, had I stayed in Australia, I would have worked on a bunch more shows by now. The production company I interned at loved me (the feeling was mutual!) and they would have found me another position (in research or production). But I knew I’d get stuck in the Australian industry. And hot off the press from a breakup and the completion of four years in one place (I get claustrophobic when I stay still too long) I decided it was now or never to try somewhere new. And so I found myself in a new market, starting from the bottom all over again, networking and having to re-make contacts. SO retail and Temping is what pays the bills and allows me to keep trying to be as fabulous as I can be. It isn’t glamorous but I am damn thankful for it, and it is pretty crazy who you may meet when you’re in a new office/talking to customers. If you are genuine and people are interested in you – they will do what they can – you’ll be surprised to discover who wants to help you/the connections they have if they know what you are trying to do.

You need to learn how to use multiple coffee machines/how to effectively stack a dishwasher:

A run-on from the Temping thing. Mostly what I’m asked to do in a day could occupy two hours out of eight. Answering phones, creating a few fedex orders and crafting a couple emails. Mainly you’ll be unstacking/stacking the dishwasher and making yourself fancier and fancier coffees (mainly due to boredom and or your secret mad scientist sensibilities and not due to your love of coffee).
Maybe you should have gone to Barista school and not got a Masters. Just saying. You’d probably be making more money by now.

Mostly what you’ll write is your blog:
Without those deadlines and people breathing down your neck, it’s going to take a lot of will power to finish projects. Sure you’ll go through writing frenzies, but to actually complete something… yeah not so much. But adorable that you thought you’d be a novelist by now. Uhhhh-dorable. *sobs*

People who did boring degree’s will have way more money than you and/or actual grownup lives:

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That girl in the year below you at college who was studying chemical engineering that you stalk on Twitter and Facebook? Yeah. She just bought an apartment, is engaged, has a pet bulldog and makes 5x more than you did last year (yeah but her tax rebate was probably nothing so HA!). If you wanted to be rich you should have listened to your parents and done a degree with the name of a job in it (hey… Writer is a job…).

The good news is, you’re chasing your dreams and will probably not hate your job (when you get one) and will not just be living for the weekend.
The bad news is, while you’re chasing those dreams you’re going to be eating baked beans on toast at least 3 nights a week.
Yay for Creatives. *Hugs self tightly and rocks*

People are impressed you did a Masters of Creative Writing, because they always figured themselves a Writer… but it’s not going to get you hired…yet:
The number of times interviewers have been impressed that my Masters is in Creative Writing… well it’s a lot. The number of times they’ve been so impressed by the fact that I hold that degree and thought “we need to hire this ridiculously awesome girl!!” is not many. Scratch that. Maybe it’s none. (Pretty sure the interning thing is what has gotten me hired in the past)

There is a difference between people being impressed/jealous of the degree you got, and the way they figure that that degree equals revenue in their business/justifies your salary.

I’m sorry, I thought this advertisement was for an amazingly hilarious Australian girl who grew up in Hong Kong, can stack ALL of the dishes in one tray. is really good at Facebook and can make you an exquisite blend of hazelnut latte and hot chocolate. No? hmmm. That is strange. Anyway while i’m here i’ll just drop off my Resume…

You will probably think a lot about doing a more relevant degree/PHD:

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There is no way in hell I can afford international student fee’s here in Canada, so if i plan on getting further education – it’s back to Australia I go. And while that wouldn’t be so bad, I’m not sure I could handle being a full time student again. I may not be rich now, but i’m hella richer than I was as a student AND my parents were still helping me out at the time.
But I have thought about it. Two guys I’ve dated in the past got their MBA’s and people are doing the PhD thing now. I feel like, if I hadn’t done my Masters right after my BA, I would have appreciated it more (although moving off campus made my results sky-rocket and put me at the top of the class!)
But knowing me, i’d probably just want to study something fun and creative again, like, get a Masters in Stand up Comedy, or a PhD in Blogging.

 

I don’t live my life with regrets, and not for a second would I change my Masters degree, because I loved it, met some awesomely inspiring people – and got to do what I love.
I think i’d just make sure I had less lofty aspirations. Cos… like… I’ll be 25 in a month and I haven’t won an Academy award yet…

But there’s still 30 days!

OK GO.

My quest for Fame and the disintergration of ethics in Social Media

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I wouldn’t usually use the word “Whore’ to describe myself, (let alone anyone else unless I was EXCEPTIONALLY pissed off), but there is no denying that for the last 3 days I am been whoring myself on all forms of social media for one reason only.

*Gasp* I have entered a reality tv show type competition.

AND oh MAN do I want it.

Twitter (which I haven’t ever fully appreciated and use mostly for posting stuff about the volunteer TV interviews I do)

Facebook (which I over-use for sharing photos and funny stuff with friends and family overseas)

and Instagram (which is mainly just pictures of snow, cut off “artsy” pictures of my face and the Canuck boyfriends dogs)

I am HATING myself all over Facebook and twitter because I am being so annoying and inundating friends and family with ME ME ME-ness.

VOTE FOR ME! I tell them, and I start thinking it is totally normal to start harassing people I haven’t spoken to in a year (umm…hi….i know we haven’t spoken in a while… and we probably don’t have anything in common any more… but would you be a dear and click this link and rate me even though this is a thing you don’t even care about….)

I have turned into one of those spamming douches that people right-click, hide, on their news feeds.

What have I become?

The truth of the matter is that I cringe to ask people to do this. Not because I am afraid of failure (oh no, I’ve taken quite a few knock-backs in my life and I am FINALLY FINALLY learning to dust myself off and pick myself back up) but because social media has etiquette, and begging for votes or views goes against that etiquette. I am like the prim old lady of Social Media.

But it’s not just me and my well-to-do online profile. There are many articles and sources to look for the way one minds their online manners, and you better not fuck too hard with them because a rain of hate will fall down on you. Delete, dust hands of person. Perhaps in real life you will begin to think less of them.

There have been people who I have been close to deleting because of their online spamming. And now I have morphed into one of those people!

BUT whats a girl to do?

I have been fighting for my bit of the TV/FILM pie for a while now and the one thing I do know is that you have to be in it to win it. You have to say “Hi, I’m here and I’m keen”.

There is a high likelihood that I will not make it into the top forty of this comepetition (No! What am I saying – positive thinking/vibes/ooooooohhhhhmmmmmmm – (thats me meditating to the spirit world of reality tv competitions)) but the fact that I made a video, put myself out there and went for it…well who knows who will see it and think, “that girl is cool.”

There is a saying I heard here in Canada which I love and I think about it all the time.

the saying goes:

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

So here it is, my first shot at goal for Much Music…. but who knows?!! At least I’m up for the game.