A day in the life of Hedgey the Hedgehog, the worst creature in the world

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Oh hey you guys! My name is Hedgey and I’m a hedgehog that lives in Toronto with my roommates Paris and Dani, and my Mum Brodie.

Brodie is the only person I won’t bite in the whoooooollleeeee world, and sometimes I’ll still puff up my spikes when she tries to touch me.

My only defence is to curl up into a little ball and make *puff* noises when you try to touch me. I also jerk a bit so it seems like my spikes will shoot off my back and kill you. But they won’t, because really, I can’t do much more damage to you than a toilet brush (unless I bite you.)

My eyesight is pretty poor so I can’t see much, and I sleep 95% of the day because I’m nocturnal or something.

The only time I don’t like to sleep is at 4am when I like to run on my crazy annoying squeaky wheel and drink out of my rabbit-feeder type water bottle which makes a *GUNKGUNKGUNK* sound when I drink out of it.

It scares the shit out of which ever drunk friend is sleeping on the couch.

My diet consists of dry cat food ONLY. No other food will ever interest me, although sometimes when I smell something weird/new i like to lick myself with my foamy saliva – which is totally weird and gross.

I have no friends in the whole wide world (except Brodie) because I am a lame, mean, anti-social pet.

Yay Me.

6 reasons I still might probably get a cat even though my roommate is allergic.

I have two roommates that are really lovely. They are craigslist roomies which means they are strangers from the internet and I had about 20 minutes with them before I had to decide if they were a) rapists and b) if I could handle the amount of dishes they do/don’t clean.

It’s all-good because it turns out they aren’t rapists and we have successfully shared a house for about a year now.

One problem we’ve recently run up against at number 166 however is that the older I get the more I feel the need to surround myself with furry things that have to love me unconditionally…and my roommate is allergic to cats.

Here is a list of 6 reasons I still might sneak down to the Toronto Humane society and just make a big decision about another creatures life. Just ‘cos I can y’all! YOLO!! (or YOLN – you only live nince, which is my way of making nine lives…jokes..cats… Hey look over there! *runs*)

6. A cat is going to cuddle me way more than my roommate.
Sorry Dani, but how many times have you hopped up on the couch to rub your head against my leg? Hmmm?

5. A cat is going to do funny things I can post on the internet.
When was the last time you ran into a door frame chasing a laser? That’s what I thought.

4. A Cat is going to be so happy when I feed it disgusting stuff out of a tin.
Are you?

3. A Cat is going to hang out with me all day when I’m bored.
Oh so you have “school” or you’re “hanging out with your friends.” That’s cool. You know who isn’t doing those things? My cat.

2. A Cat isn’t going to judge me when I’m drinking that bottle of Bailey’s alone laughing hysterically at Goat video’s online.

1. A cat is going to let me dress it up and take pictures of it and post them on instragram.

Are you Dani? I didn’t think so.

5 problems we would face if we could have a pet dragon

Those that see me during the week know that I am currently reading the second book in the Game of Thrones series: A Clash of Kings. The book weighs a shit tonne* and is causing me to grow additional muscles in one of my shoulder blades, thereby creating the coveted Hunchback of Notre Dame look.

I regret taking the advice of a friend to begin reading this series, as it is extremely addictive and hard to put down – thereby necessitating that the hardcover book come with me wherever I go, lest I have a few moments of peace to read a few pages.

The book and a half I have read of this series has been uplifting, devastating, dramatic, emotional, terrifying and angering. The best part of it all however has been the introduction of three of my favorite characters.

Three Dragons.

I LOVE dragons. My Chinese astrology sign is a dragon…there is really nothing I could say against dragons. I wish they existed. And if they did it would be glorious indeed. I would have one as a pet and all who went before me would tremble…

However we would face some challenges as Dragon-owners, you and I (because I know you’d want one too).

This is the truth. So it is.

Below are 5 problems I would face if I could have a pet Dragon.

5. Finding hilarious outfits for My Dragon.
In Hong Kong Markets, and in boutique pet stores across the globe, you can find hysterical little outfits for your pets. My cranky-ass cat, Guinness, has been wrestled and bullied into a number of outfits, much to our amusement and his displeasure. Finding a funny outfit for a Dragon would be beyond difficult. I mean, not only would the Dragon get pissed and slash you with their razor-sharp claws, it’s hard to choose what to dress them as, come on…it’s already a dragon! What are you going to dress him/her as? A lobster?

4. Giant Dragon Craps
When we had dogs growing up, one of the worst possible fucking things I had to do after school, was pick up the dogs poo from the backyard and move it (to the rubbish bin or into the neighbors garden…by flinging it over the wall). Can you IMAGINE the clean up required for a full grown Dragon? It would be insane and literary FLOOD the park you were walking through if your Dragon had an accident. Just visualize the rude stares from the other pet owners.

3. Stopping Pet Dragon from terrorizing other Pets
I love the dog Park at the Trinity Bell at Dundas and Ossington, but I can imagine being severely reproached if my Pet Dragon scorched the cute little Corgi I always see, in his excitement and rough-housing. And what about the poor squirrels in the park? Their hearts would actually explode from their chests if a Dragon tried to chase them up a tree.

2. “We’ve just had these floors re-done!”
My cat Guinness back in Hongkers, loves to sharpen his nails on my Mum’s walls. He’ll also scratch the floor, the couch and your leg. Everything basically, except the scratching post we have. So imagine what a dragon would do to your wall, floor or leg if she tried to claw at it. That would be bad indeed.

And the number One problem in having a Dragon as a Pet is…

  1. Finding somewhere to house your Dragon while you go away on Holiday.
    There are so few vacation Dragon-sitting services (google it, I did) and as much as you love your pets, you can’t let them stop you from going away. A Dragon is a big responsibility to dump on your friends so… If you’re trying to get to Coachella (like I am) you’re going to need the professionals.

And so concludes this edition of “It’s Friday and I am sapped of creative juices.”

Paris

*Shittonne is an accepted measurement for recording things that are ginourmous

Picture shanked from http://blog.advocate-art.com/index.php/archives/3240/victoria-maderna-advocate-art-illustration-agency-cartoon-greetings-cards-childrens-booksboy-and-dragon-pet