Annoying shit I do that nobody has called me out on, but they definitely should have.

God I’m annoying*. Seriously, have you met me? I am a pain in the posterior to hang out with. And you only have to see me like once every now and then. I have to live with me all the time.
It’s awful, and loud, and sometimes vaguely unsettling.

Nah, don’t worry.
I like me! (enough of the time anyway) but I guess sometimes I have these moments where my Changnesia wears off and I’m like…wtf am I doing? Am I seriously every cliche in the book?
I read those Buzzfeed lists about annoying people on Facebook & Things you do that you probably shouldn’t  (watching surprise engagements videos on Youtube is INSPIRING OKAY! Stop judging me Brodie!) and I’m like…holy shit. Why hasn’t someone saved me from myself?!

Hey Everyone...come and see how good I look!

Hey Everyone…come and see how good I look!

Taking Pictures with Bottles/Alcoholic Beverages
Who the Fuck do I think I am? And why am I pointing at these items? Do I think you’re stupid? “Heyooooooo, see that? Yup. I drank it! See this? That’s where the liquid came from. And now you know. Awesome.” *Then I Highfived myself in the face.* Wanna date me? I am surprisingly available.

Posting Annoying Links to things on Social media sitesUntitled3
Hey have you liked my blog today? Did you like my blog? If my blog was a desert island and you could only take one of my blogs with you, which one would you choose? Have you shared my blog? hey look over there! What’s that!? It’s my blog!!! Blogblogblogblogbloglikelikelikelikelike, raaaaaaar. Then I stab you….okay that got out of control…lets move on.

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Posting Way to many photos to online area’s
Mainly (apparently) of myself holding food and drink items (see above) or artfully taken photos that show off how skinny/fun I am. HAHA we are having SUCH a great time, without YOU! Lets all take a totally natural picture of us and share it on a public forum.
MmmmJeaaaalousbitch?
Thoughtso.

Talking about how I’m such a unique individual all the time because I am an Expat Brat
Oh did you hear? I’m an Australian living in Canada. yeahthatsright, so I’m technically better than ALL of you. And if that wasn’t enough, I also grew up in Asia. Yeah thats right. I’m interesting. WHATEVER, i’ll be in my trailer writing my blog about how interesting I am, which you can totally like later on Facebook. There will also be photos of me drinking. No big deal.

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Constantly updating you on my burgeoning (hahaha-suuuuure) Film and TV Career.
Oh hey guys, just a casual photo of me interviewing some people on TV. It’s cool.

Annnnnnnd Finally

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Saying/Doing/Texting inappropriate things while under the influence
Yeahhhhh I get that it isn’t cute or funny any more that I ate all the ice cream at 3am, or that I texted you something that made me delete all the messages in my inbox, or that I broke your shit with my flailing ungainly arms. And what with my quarter century mark coming to pass next week, I think I’m going to need to go sit in a dark corner somewhere and think about getting my shit under control.

From now on, feel free to call me and (other sufferers) out on this shit.

Thanks!

*This blog is written kind of in jest. (Duh, I’m awesome). If you can’t poke fun at yourself sometimes, then lighten the hell up. What is it that Jane Austen wrote in Pride and Prejudice?

“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?”

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5 problems we would face if we could have a pet dragon

Those that see me during the week know that I am currently reading the second book in the Game of Thrones series: A Clash of Kings. The book weighs a shit tonne* and is causing me to grow additional muscles in one of my shoulder blades, thereby creating the coveted Hunchback of Notre Dame look.

I regret taking the advice of a friend to begin reading this series, as it is extremely addictive and hard to put down – thereby necessitating that the hardcover book come with me wherever I go, lest I have a few moments of peace to read a few pages.

The book and a half I have read of this series has been uplifting, devastating, dramatic, emotional, terrifying and angering. The best part of it all however has been the introduction of three of my favorite characters.

Three Dragons.

I LOVE dragons. My Chinese astrology sign is a dragon…there is really nothing I could say against dragons. I wish they existed. And if they did it would be glorious indeed. I would have one as a pet and all who went before me would tremble…

However we would face some challenges as Dragon-owners, you and I (because I know you’d want one too).

This is the truth. So it is.

Below are 5 problems I would face if I could have a pet Dragon.

5. Finding hilarious outfits for My Dragon.
In Hong Kong Markets, and in boutique pet stores across the globe, you can find hysterical little outfits for your pets. My cranky-ass cat, Guinness, has been wrestled and bullied into a number of outfits, much to our amusement and his displeasure. Finding a funny outfit for a Dragon would be beyond difficult. I mean, not only would the Dragon get pissed and slash you with their razor-sharp claws, it’s hard to choose what to dress them as, come on…it’s already a dragon! What are you going to dress him/her as? A lobster?

4. Giant Dragon Craps
When we had dogs growing up, one of the worst possible fucking things I had to do after school, was pick up the dogs poo from the backyard and move it (to the rubbish bin or into the neighbors garden…by flinging it over the wall). Can you IMAGINE the clean up required for a full grown Dragon? It would be insane and literary FLOOD the park you were walking through if your Dragon had an accident. Just visualize the rude stares from the other pet owners.

3. Stopping Pet Dragon from terrorizing other Pets
I love the dog Park at the Trinity Bell at Dundas and Ossington, but I can imagine being severely reproached if my Pet Dragon scorched the cute little Corgi I always see, in his excitement and rough-housing. And what about the poor squirrels in the park? Their hearts would actually explode from their chests if a Dragon tried to chase them up a tree.

2. “We’ve just had these floors re-done!”
My cat Guinness back in Hongkers, loves to sharpen his nails on my Mum’s walls. He’ll also scratch the floor, the couch and your leg. Everything basically, except the scratching post we have. So imagine what a dragon would do to your wall, floor or leg if she tried to claw at it. That would be bad indeed.

And the number One problem in having a Dragon as a Pet is…

  1. Finding somewhere to house your Dragon while you go away on Holiday.
    There are so few vacation Dragon-sitting services (google it, I did) and as much as you love your pets, you can’t let them stop you from going away. A Dragon is a big responsibility to dump on your friends so… If you’re trying to get to Coachella (like I am) you’re going to need the professionals.

And so concludes this edition of “It’s Friday and I am sapped of creative juices.”

Paris

*Shittonne is an accepted measurement for recording things that are ginourmous

Picture shanked from http://blog.advocate-art.com/index.php/archives/3240/victoria-maderna-advocate-art-illustration-agency-cartoon-greetings-cards-childrens-booksboy-and-dragon-pet