4 Reasons my iPhone 4 and I need to break up

I was late to the world of smart phones.
Blame technology illiteracy, blame laziness, blame fear of the new. When I left Australia in 2011 I was rocking a a sweet Samsung Slide phone

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And when I arrived in Canada I went with another shitty phone: a Huweiwei or somethiiiiing.

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It was only after a year with this phone – (which while not a cool touch screen phone, did have the internet on it – so I could check facebook on the run – game changer) that I decided to join the realm of smart phones.

The iPhone 5 was about to drop so I figured I’d go for an iPhone 4, which 3 years ago was pretty cheap (by Canadian phone-plan ridiculous standards).

We’ve been together 3 years now, and with an upgrade up for grabs, I think it is time my iPhone 4 and I broke up.

Here are 4 reasons

1. You never listen to me

lalalalala can't hear ya

lalalalala can’t hear ya

Whenever I ask you to go to instagram or to answer a skype call, your response is to freeze and then do the opposite of what I asked. Are you listening to me iPhone?! Because… I feel like you are not. This is why, first love, I think we need to break up.

2. You’re mean to my friends
You are always getting between me and my friends. Whether it’s when they call or text me, or when they send me something funny via social media. Facebook? Forget it, I had to delete that shit months ago because of your interfering ways. You’re ruining my (social) life. How will I know how Ashlea’s day was?! iPhone 4… It’s not working out. I think I should see other phones and you should see the inside of a bin.

3. I don’t find you attractive anymore

Word

Word

I’m sorry, but I find myself checking out Androids. You just aren’t that hot any more. No there’s nothing you can do. No I don’t think updating my iOS is going to help. Please stop iPhone 4… you’re embarrassing yourself.

4. I can do better
Listen iPhone 4. We had our good times. But I came into this knowing it wasn’t forever. To be honest… I never thought we’d make it three years. I thought I’d drop you (on the ground) long before we reached this point. Don’t cry because it’s over, laugh that you outlasted most of your friends. Even if I don’t decide to go and bat for another team for a while (lesbian joke), I can still upgrade that shit to… an iPhone 5 at least (lets get real – I’m not money bags o’er here). No there’s nothing you can do. No I don’t want one last app upgrade for “old times sake”.

And I did nothing…

This blog post does not have a humorous tone, so if you came here to read tales of my 24 year old (man I am clinging to that, even though i’ll be 25 in 26 days) shenanigans then I am sorry to disappoint you.

Because sometimes things that aren’t hilarious happen, and no matter how much you try to fill your life up with sunshine, and see the bright side of a situation, there are still sad things in the world.

And such was Friday evening.

I was on my way to film my first ever live report. I was nervous (understandably) but pretty confident (I’ve done quite a bit of On-Air pre-recorded stuff recently).

The shoot was miles away, and because I work as a Temp at the moment, I was going straight from the office job (that pays my bills) to the Shoot (which fulfills my dreams). I had the timing perfect, with a little buffer even. I had to take the street car waaaaaaay far west from the Downtown core of Toronto – an area I am not at all familair with. I had my iPhone maps open and was watching that blue dot move towards the red drop pin with quiet intensity.

We were pretty close, and I was right on schedule, when someone on the streetcar slumped over and passed out.

I didn’t notice at first (I was staring at my phone, and doing that annoying thing Ron Burgundy does meeeemeeemee *stretching face* – not really but sortof).

We were at a stop, and someone raced up to the driver of the streetcar and said, someone is in trouble. I turned around and a metre behind me was a women slumped face first on the ground.

“She’s passed out” “she’s breathing” “she’s not responding”.

The streetcar driver moved forward, looked at her, shook her, shook his head and went to call dispatch. Everyone remained where they were.

Including me.

One woman reached down and kept trying to wake her (it should be noted that a pungent alcohol smell was coming off her) but everyone else pretty much did nothing.

Including me.

Some people shuffled off the Streetcar in frustration (it’s a one track deal, so it’s not like any other streetcars were getting past us) and people started to harumph and mutter and show signs of irritation.

Including me.

Finally an ambulance arrived and paramedics came onto the streetcar, administered oxygen and managed to get the (obviously drug fucked) person to move. One of the Paramedics looked around and said “no one got off the streetcar?!”

No. No one did. In fact several people had moved forward to watch. my seat was close to where the woman was collapsed, and I just sat there and watched too.

They took the women away and put her on a stretcher and I arrived at my destination at 6.30, not 6pm, like I had planned, for my broadcast at 7 (a piano-a-thon, breaking news story).

Because I was nervous and focused on myself, it wasn’t until later that night – back on the streetcar and headed home after a long day, that my inaction started to bother me.

Yes, She was drunk, and high. Yes, the fact that she passed out was a result of her own actions. Yes, this kind of thing happens frequently on the delay-plagued Toronto Transit Commission.

But she was still a person in distress, and although my First Aide training is not so current, I do have it. I am naturally a leader and someone who remains calm in a crisis. And I reacted to this person, who is somebodies friend, daughter, sister, with detachment and frustration.

How dare she impede my day.

I had to have a really hard think about that one. Because I am better than that. And maybe I couldn’t have helped, but I damn sure could have had some compassion.

What if that was my friend? Or my Brother?

What if that were me?

Life isn’t always easy, and people make stupid decisions but they are still people.

How different would my reaction have been if someone had passed out having an epileptic fit? Or a heart attack?

I don’t want to be so jaded that I don’t even react in a situation like that.

Something to think about.

The wonderful world of Tinder

For those of you sheeple who don’t know what Tinder is, prepare your anus’s. This shit is hilarious.

Imagine an App on your phone that uses your location, and that you log into with Facebook. It takes your 4/5 most recent profile pics, your age, your interests and thats it. You can edit this of course, but there’s really not much to be said or done.

Here’s my face. My age and my name. I’m within 50 miles of you. Do your worst.

Then theres a heart symbol and an X symbol.

If you think the person is hot/hilarious looking, then heart, if not X it and a big NOPE gets stamped on their photo.

This app is fantastic for those people with short attention spans (me) and who have thinly veiled judgemental tendancies (also me…and almost everyone I know).

If you and the person you flick past both click the heart symbol then a chat opens up and you can speak to them. If one of you X’s the other then ba-bow. See you never.

It’s a pretty funny app, and definitely a time waster when you’re sick of Candy Crush (I hate you level 29).

But there are some instantly recognizable NOPE- dude moments to be found when scrolling through the available men of Toronto (maybe each city has its own special blend of NOPE moments, but no I feel the epidemic is worldwide).

 Dude NOPE moments on Tinder:

1. You’re taking a picture of yourself in the Mirror
You may or may not have your shirt off. mmmm NOPE

2. You’re with a baby in your picture. 
Totally that could be your niece, but i’ve got 0.5 seconds to make a judgement call here. I’m going with NOPE.

3. All I can see is a part of your body.
Is this a profile for your perfectly chiselled chest? Let me get my less-than-chiselled thigh online and see if she’s interested. NOPE.

4. There are 50 of you in the photo
Which one are you? I just don’t care to find out at this point, because I am lazy. NOPE.

5. You’re with your girlfriend in the picture…
REALLY?! Nope.

6. You’re in what looks like a picture with your bride!?
WTF! NOER-PE.

7. We have 77 mutual friends and I know you really well, and actually – you’re not a great guy, and I (not so) secretly kind of hate you, a bit, and stuff.
My friend tells me if you see someone you know on Tinder you have to give them a courtesy like. But my response to that Rachel is N.O.P.E

Is Tinder the future of meeting people/dating?

I don’t know/don’t care. It certainly is more fun than being humiliated constantly by Candies.