5 things I thought would be different when I left home

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It has been almost 10 years since I left home and went out into the wild, scary, unknown world of adulthood living. I feel like I was truly and utterly underprepared for what was out there, and had I known, I’d have pulled a jew-dude (TM) and stayed at home until I was thirty.

But just like with black, there’s really no going back once you have fled the familial nest.

I just had so many misconceptions on what I thought living away from my parents would look like.

skeptical-baby

  1. “I can eat whatever I want!”
    Oh, oh…ohhh how I dream of the lovingly prepared home cooked meals of yesteryear. So angry and angsty was I, when a meal was NOT EXACTLY what I felt like eating, but instead an equal measure of vegetables, meat and grains. MEAT! Do you know how expensive that shit is?! What I would give, to have two middle aged people cooking for me three times a day…
  2. “I can stay up SO late”
    Want to know what I did Friday, Saturday and Sunday night this past weekend? Binge watched The Wire (because I’m about 15 years behind in my television programming at this point). I am a morning person, so around 10/10.30pm I start to fade fast. I used to think living away from my parents would be sooooooo wicked because I could just drink and party and watch movies all night long…Turns out my favourite thing these days is sleep. Yeah. I’m pretty cool actually.

    Screenshot_2016-06-13-09-50-18-1

  3. “I do what I want!”
    So long as it doesn’t cost money. Seriously. Sometimes over the last few years I have had all of the freedom and none of the money (funemployed/between contracts) and other times I have had some of the money and none of the time (J.O.B). When can I have all of the money and all of the freedom? (right…right…when I rob a bank Oceans Eleven style…got it…have you guys SEEN that movie? It just came out recently in 2001)
  4. “I can date whoever I choose!”
    Remember when your parents hated that guy you were dating in High School and you were like IHATEYOUWEAREINLOVEyoudon’tunderstandmeGETOUTOFMYROOM! Yeah well. Turns out they were right. Man when I was single, I would have given my left ovary (she’s the gimpy one I suspect) for my parents to be hovering over my shoulder as I swiped like: “No. No. No. Yes Paris. No he will have a weird thing for feet. No. No. What about that nice boy from the coffee shop?” It turns out I just wanna date guys that my parents will like and not weirdo’s with spider-man face tattoo’s. Go figure.
  5. “I’m going to get a creative job and YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”
    In grade 12 when picking degree time came, my mother said to me: “Do a degree with the name of a job in it” and I laughed in her face as I applied for my Bachelor of Arts. I guess, if you were to squint your eyes, choke yourself a bit until no oxygen went to your brain and then smoked some meth – you could really consider my whole life one elaborate “Art”. “So what do you do Paris?” oh me? I’m Art. Yeah I studied it at University. In reality, life has been interesting in the working world (#noregrets) but I definitely find myself veering more towards the corporate world as I see all my fellow creatives struggling and think fucccckthatshit. Oh you live in a basement apartment with your sibling, sister and co-business partners and you work in a deli 3 days a week but your new album just dropped on myspace? Cool dude, Imma go over here and work on my excel skills though….

So many people I know have babies now. Literally holding an infant a week ago and thinking: “this adorable squishy baby girl is going to slam a door in your face some day.”

I wish I could go back ten years and slap some sense into my 17 year old self. Eat my free meals, get my free laundry, and remind myself that unfortunately…your parents were right. Uh! Gross.

25 things you’re still doing at 25 that mean you might be a fuckup

Didn’t our mothers teach us any better?
Aren’t we supposed to be fully equipped adults at this quarter century mark?! Guess not.

25. Ignore your credit card bill
Oh hello there bank statement. I’ll just put you right over here with the other fire.

24. Fuck up the most simple of recipes.
Grilled eggplant you say? Olive oil, salt and a grill? That seems simp..OHMYGOD WHY IS THE SMOKE DETECTORFREAKING OUT!?

23. Skew your financial priorities.
Hum. I haven’t paid my mobile phone bill this month…but its cheap wednesday at the place I get my Brazilians. Ohkay Vagina. You win this round!

22. Save Random dudes names in your phones, and having no fucking clue who they might be.
“Brad Chicagodude” eh? He sounds like a riot.

21. Misquote quotes at people.
Stop. You sound like a fucking moron. Pretty sure just because you saw the quote on a picture with artsy writing, doesn’t mean that said person actually said it.

20. Have nothing in your fridge except a slightly crusty block of butter and expired milk.

19. Drink expired milk.
Check the expiration date dickbag!

18. Text someone you were bitching about a message about them…to them

17. Sneakily use your roommates hair curler, and then forgetting to turn it off when you dash out, and burning a hole in their duvet and their top not to mention the fact that you could have burnt down the entire house…
Sorry Brodie.

16. Stretch out your leftover take away to last as many meals as possible.
Whats on the menu boys? Ethiopian for breakfast and lunch and Indian for dinner. Hallelujah better bring a book to the bathroom.

15. Have weird, poorly timed, sexually awkward experiences with your male friends and then refusing to ever talk about it and/or make eye contact ever again.

14. Fuck around with your birth control so you are literally on a roller coaster of emotion.
It’s one pill, ONCE a day. How is that hard to deal with?!

13. Send a group message on Facebook when wasted that offends everybody except the people who just exited it immediatley.

12. Send begging follow up emails to jobs you applied for.
“I will literally work 21 hours a day. Please god just hire me!”

11. Shrug off someone you thought was begging for change because you have your headphones in.
Turns out its just a hipster asking for directions. Try to explain the situation…then just run for it.

10. Let the garbage pile up in the bin rather than walk the 10 metres to empty it.
“What IS that delightful odour?”

9. Buy new underwear at La Senza so you don’t have to do laundry again.

8. Rinse the flashy piece of salmon you bought yourself and when it comes to dabbing it dry, realize you are all out of Kitchen towel, so attempt to use toilet paper.
This does not work.

7. Spend more money on shoes in a week than groceries/the medicine you might need to kill this cough.
Alcohol does not count

6. Get black out drunk on a Tuesday by accident and end up with your friend in a Karoke bar even though you both have work together tomorrow.
“Accident”

5. Try to sound fancy and pronounce expensive brands.
Realize you sound like a fucking tool.

4. Facebook stalk your more successful friends that were in the year or 2 years below you in High School.
Drink a bottle of wine and cry. Repeat.

3. Destroy your white shorts because you’ve still never really got the hang of a coloured vs a “whites only” load.

Maybe I’m not racist, and the idea of separating the coloureds and the white seems a bit 1950’s mkkkaayy?

2. Tell your mother all the fuck-up shit you feel like you do in your life as a 24, almost 25 year old. Cry in the shower. Decide to write a blog about it. Instantly feel better.
HERE COMES THAT HIGH ON THE ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTION WEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!

1. Get up tomorrow and do it all again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So High School

Everything about this is hilarious to me

Everything about this is hilarious to me

Being back in Hong Kong is sometimes so weird.

In this fast paced city, so much can change. Leave for a year and BOOM they’ve just built all these new buildings and your favourite cheap outlet is gone and French Restaurants have moved in everywhere (this is no joke…where the hell did all the frogs come from?!)

BUT *screechbangwaitasecond* so much can stay the same. I went to an ANZAC memorial service on Thursday with my parents and the Australian International School (where I went for the last four years of High School) was well represented by kids in hideous Green and Gold blazers. And Lo, who should I spy, but my old Headmaster who is still kicking it (with more grey hair) here in Hongkers in the same job. I bumped into so many people who are still here doing their thing – same old same old, you know?

The great thing about Hong Kong people is, no matter how long you have been gone and no matter how much has changed, friendships and conversations pick up right where they left off. Having a happy hour cocktail with a girlfriend after 2 years, it’s like I saw her yesterday. Meet my friend after the gym for some fatty fat fat Starbucks time, didn’t we do this yesterday? Oh no wait that was 18 months ago.

But being back in this city also reminds me of the High School times I had and all the stupid High School stuff we did. Like…remember in High School when someone could do one thing, and they were out of your life forever?

It’s sad that I’ve realized over the past few years I’ve become much more judgemental and quick to get angry at people or cut them out of my life. I wasn’t always like this. Even my dad has picked up on it, and to him, I can do no wrong, right Papa?

In High School and at University I was the easy going friends-with-everyone type. Maybe i’m getting older and more jaded? Dunno. Whatever it is, over the last few years I’ve noticed a change in myself that I’m trying to rewind. I don’t try to have enemies…

But there was ONE time in High School where I did cut someone out of my life with the words “Have a Nice Life” and remained until the last few years, extremely angry, and considered this girl my enemy.

It’s not a particularly interesting story and it’s definitely High School, but basically, a rumour got started while we went away on our grad trip that next to all the drinking we were doing (our parents knew about this…they knew we sneaked out to bars with our fake ID’s) we were also smoking *SHOCK* pot. Now, the reason this rumour got started was because of me. I had always had a VERY open relationship with my parents about what was going on, and they’d seen it all before, and I made some flippant comment about stoners on a phone call to my Mother, which she then mentioned to a friend (a teacher at our High School) in an anecdote which then BLEW UP into a huge escalando! (Goodness me Beatrice, the children have begun smoking Marijuana!)

Just prior to this grad trip, I’d been having a HELL of a year. My parents were splitting, it was my final year of High School, my brothers and father had moved to the other side of the world, my mother was battling an addiction and depression. Not a fun cocktail. And this girl who I had been close with for four years, suddenly turned around and accused me of being a snitch and a this that and the other and told me I had to call her parents and tell them I had been lying to get attention.

Well.

Nope.

At 18, despite being a very emotional and extreme person (which I still am to some degree) I decided, heart racing, that because she and I were moving to different parts of Australia to pursue our University degrees, to not engage in this drama. And I simply told her to have a nice life, and actually, haven’t really spoken to her in 6.5 years since we graduated. I bumped into her a few times over this period, and after the first time when she tried to talk to me, and I (extremely drunk) turned my back on her and faced a wall, have had (obviously) thoughts about why I acted the way I did.

In what mind-frame do you just decide someone is out of your life forevermore in a moment? Life is long and relationships are hard and tricky and messy and interesting.

I’d like to think that each year I get older, I also get a little wiser (pfffffft) and so, this year, being back in this great city for two months, with the opportunity to reconnect again with my friends and family, I’d like to work on being a little more normal when it comes to people and relationships.

Ultimately as humans (like bee’s…i think) our society and our self is built on relationships and interactions (unless you’re that Hermit guy in Wales…but even he has to buy his milk from somewhere).

So I will strive to approach people with more tolerance, and remember that at the end of the day we’re all human and we all make mistakes.

 

Family

Ahhh Family

Family is probably one of the most important elements of our lives.

Our family is our support network when all the rest of it turns to shit. They’re the people we turn to for support, and the occasional organ donation.

I would argue that a family is not defined specifically by blood. Sure I have those crazy cats in my immediate family (Mum, Dad, two Brothers) and the extended family like cousins, Grandmother, Aunts and Uncles, but then I have people in my life that are so close to me, they ARE family, even if we don’t have the same awesome last name (mine, not theirs).

I used to be jealous of people who had spent their whole lives in the same city as their big families, having get-togethers and dinners, celebrating birthdays and special events. Childhood friends and their parents who were like relatives they were so close.

But the last 5 or so weeks has really taught me something. It has been an incredible time of reflection as my life merges from one opportunity to another. June 12th will mark two years for me in Canada, and we just passed my half birthday (holy shit I’ll be 25 in 6 months!?) and I have had time away from my new home city and back in my old home city.

I have families sequestered (like a squirrel) all over the world. I have friends all over the world who love me and only want the best for me. Some of them I have known for a long time, some for a short period of time, but in each city, there are those who are like brothers and sisters to me. That is how deep our friendship runs.

I always thought I was different somehow because my family is scattered far and wide over the planet.

I have spent some incredible time with my Mum over the last few weeks, an Awesome inspiring woman who I haven’t seen a whole lot of over the last 2 years, and my Dad, a steadfast, loyal, clear-headed guy who I haven’t seen a whole lot over the last 3 years.

My Dad and I have always had a special relationship, but truthfully over the last ten years it has been difficult. When we moved back to Hong Kong when I was in High School, my Dad started working in China 5 days a week, and we didn’t get to see too much of him.

When my parents split, my brothers went to live with him, while I, in my last year of High School, stayed in Hong Kong to complete my exams, and then fucked off to Sydney for four years of education in destroying my liver, (ah…memories).

So it has been wonderful to be back in Hong Kong with both my parents for the first time in 7 years. This city is so unique for me because of the time of my life we lived here. I look around at all the familiar places (the park bench where I had my first kiss, the bar my underage girlfriends and I snuck into, the restaurant my newly graduated friends and I drew out our life plans on the paper table cloth..)

Being back here has given me the wonderful opportunity of asking myself: Well…What next?

It’s so comforting to know that there are unlimited options and groups of people all over the world waiting to accept me with open arms for the next bit of my journey and adventure.

I’m excited to see what happens.

🙂

Freaks & Geeks: High School

I’ve been watching Judd Apatow’s series ‘Freaks & Geeks’ over the last two weeks. There aren’t that many episodes so I’m trying to savour it a little bit and not rush through the series as I usually do with delicious Television that is witty, true to itself and extremely entertaining.

The cast has some very familiar faces who were unknowns at the time. James Franco, Busy Phillips, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segal make up part of the main crew of “Freaks” we are interested in, and there have been some amazing Cameo appearances by the likes of Jason Schwartzman (who at quick glance doesn’t even seem to be credited on imdb.com) and David Koechner to name a couple.

The series is set in 1980, and the fashion, posters, and music are flawlessly selected. The acting is natural and the production values are great. All around, I love this show so far. But the High School experience these kids are suffering through is not the one I had to deal with.

I started High School in January 2001 – a full 20 years after Freaks and Geeks was set (We called it High School even though it was Year 7 and we started in January because I was living in Australia then.) I attended a private school in one of Sydney’s nice wealthy areas. My year group was probably 120 people, with 7 classes. We learned German, Latin, French and Japanese and at the end of that year had to choose three electives (one of which had to be a language.) It was a pretty nice school with teachers that cared deeply about us, and with more after school activities than you would ever need. If you loved something, you were nurtured in it, and you were encouraged constantly. I left Sydney at the end of year 8 and moved to Hong Kong where I attended an International School. When I graduated in 2006, I was part of a year group that number 40 students.

To say I always attended educational institutions that had involved teachers would be a HUGE understatement. It was hard to fall through the cracks basically.

And that’s not to say that there wasn’t bullying or that there were times when we struggled, of course there were. But the teacher to student ratio was always good. And although we thought our teachers were pretty uncool (except for the cool ones…obviously) we did respect them. We were taught to stand when our teachers entered the room. I wore a uniform every single day of my lower, middle and high school education, and I wore it with VERY strict rules attached to it. I always had a blazer, my top button always had to be done up, no rolled up sleeves, no piercings, hair at shoulder length or longer had to be tied back.

What a contrast to the world of Freaks and Geeks. And, as it turns out to my boyfriends experience.

As we watched some episodes together, the Canuck BF kept saying “it’s so real. It’s so true” as the bullying, the slamming into lockers, the awkwardness and the disparity between the Jocks/Cheerleaders and the Geeks and Nerds lengthened. No school I ever attended had cheerleaders, we had girls sports teams. And sure we had the “cool kids” but they weren’t all untouchable.

Is it a North American thing then?

I recently watched the re-make of 21 Jump Street with Channing Tatum (YUUUUM) and Jonah Hill (have half jewish-babies with meeee!) and one of my favourite lines from the movie came from an early scene where Tatum and Hill stroll through the car park on their first day of “school.” Tatum – built like a 1980’s Jock is pointing out the different groups he identifies, the Jocks, the Goths, the nerds and instructing Hill on how they will become cool. He points at a group of hipsters and metrosexuals and says “I don’t know what those are.”

I think High School has changed (obviously) since 1980, and the High School I left behind 6 years ago, and that the Boyf left behind a decade ago, is different to what it is today. I’m led to believe there are lots of choreographed musical numbers just like in High School Musical. Smartphones, millions of social networking sites, pretty much all learning material migrating online…High School is a different beast.

Being an Expat Brat was a unique experience in itself in High School. I never really smoked pot (why would I when I could go into a 711 and buy alcohol without getting ID’ed), I never wrecked my parents car or had them teach me to drive (in what? We lived on an island compound resort that didn’t have cars…only golf buggies), I had a fake ID at the age of 14 – and we did use it to go out, but the bouncers really didn’t care what the spoilt white kids did, and never looked too closely (my fake ID was a scanned copy of my passport which I had edited in Paint so…).

My tiny International School didn’t really have cliques. There was certainly a divide between the Expatriates and the Hong Kong Chinese kids who attended. I was a Drama Freak, a Girl-Jock, Head Girl of my school (in Year 11), a loser and a rebel (as rebellious as you can be when your parents trust you enough to let you have a boyfriend sleep over, and are too cool themselves that they are home drunk after you.)

I was always a big fish in a small pond, and while I suffered at the hands of bullies (inevitable when you move schools frequently and with teachers who can’t be everywhere at once) I was never pigeonholed by anyone for long.

It’s therefore with voyeuristic fascination that I watch Apatow’s show. Is that what my life would have been like if I had gone to a public school in North America? Or Australia or England? The characters in the show seem to struggle with totally clueless parents and teachers. I definitely felt as though my parents “didn’t get me” but it grew for more of an angst ridden “waaaaaaaaah” feeling, than from actually thinking my parents and teachers were totally disconnected. I think the adults in my life were pretty with it considering they were a generation that didn’t have cell phones or internet growing up.

I wonder what High School will be like when my kids go through.

24 things they don’t warn you about before you turn 24

24. You can’t handle your alcohol like you used to:
When I lived at College for 3 years, my liver was a hardened criminal, used to taking no shit from no bitches, and handling, on average, 7-8 drinks a night 6-7 times a week (sometimes we didn’t drink on Sundays…sometimes). Now my liver is a Pussy, and it has made the rest of my body soft and weak. Stupid age.

23. Some things that were cute when you were 18, are not cute now you are a hop skip and a jump away from being thirty:
Like losing all your stuff on a night out (oh darn, you lost your phone again? WOOPSIES! You fucking moron) or getting caught in the rain with no umbrella (YOU CHECKED THE WEATHER ON YOUR COMPUTER BEFORE YOU LEFT!) We’re too smart now to do dumb things like this. Or, we’re just too dumb and evolution needs to sort that out.

22. People are going to start settling down, and shit:
Check my blog from Monday where I detailed the stuff I don’t know about weddings. But weddings aside, people are getting engaged, their moving in with each other, they’re not going out as much any more because they’re saving for things. WTF mate.

21. Your health is more important:
But I WANNA eat that cheesecake at lunch and still get frozen yogurt after my dinner of pizza and mozzarella sticks. WHAT THE HELL IS A CLOGGED ARTERY AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT IT?! You’re also going to get fat as fuck with your metabolism peaking out on you.

20. People are going to ask you what you do…all the time:
When I was 18, people assumed I was at University. I didn’t know people that weren’t. I might have asked them what they were studying if I was trying to be polite or trying to make out with them, but I didn’t really care (it was just the pre-hitting on them move). Now people ask me all the time what I do. What shall I tell them? “I WAS working in retail (which I hated) and then I found out my visa had an error on it so now I’m just interning and mindlessly cruising the internet. Is this the part where I ask you and you can tell me even though I don’t really care?”

19. At first paying your own bills and doing your own laundry was exciting and fun. Now it isn’t.

18. There are people younger than you, more successful and more famous than you. And you should feel bad.

17. You won’t live forever:
This shocked me. I went to my first funeral this year and where I used to think 50 was sooooooo old, now I can’t help thinking my friends mum died SOOOOOO YOUNG. I’ll be fifty in 26 years. That’s not enough time to do all the things I need to do! Maybe i’m not invincible…

16. Every year – things seem to speed up and go a little faster:
I can’t believe I just had another birthday. Didn’t I just have one last month? See number 17.

15. All that talent you displayed in High School – when people told you how unique and creative you were…
Well there’s lots more competition now.

14. Your parents protected you from a lot of the crazy out there.
It’s going to rattle tins at you on the corners, it’s going to knock on your door and try to tell you about jesus. Someway, some how, each year the crazy is going to try and seep into your life and you are going to become more and more aware of a) how scary it is and b) how not difficult it would be to join those ranks.

13. Cliques and Bitchyness didn’t end in High School:
Best to have a “Fuck it” attitude and just be you. Cos Heyoooh, if you don’t like you, no one else is going to buy into your crap.

12. You should have done a degree with the title of a job in it:
Like Accounting or Law. Your wishy washy arts/liberal/science degree ain’t gonna get you no where easily. Having read all of Jane Austen’s novels is not something you can put on your resume.

11. You’re getting too old to accept some of these new music types:
Skrillex.

10. There are lots of lame things you need to do to survive:
Like taxes, keeping your eye on your bank account and getting health check ups.

9. People are going to judge you on what wine’s you drink:
“I drink to get drunk” is no longer an acceptable or funny answer.

8. Some of the best paying jobs sound boring as shiiiiiit:
Account manager for a paper company. Sales and Marketing Division leader at Do You Hate Your Life Yet LTD.

7. Your tastebuds are changing and things you used to hate you might start to like and things you used to love might make you go “Meh.”

6. You can’t believe everything you see on TV:
BUT BUT! Everything always has a happy ending!

5. You are going to lose touch with some of your best friends:
As everyone’s lives adapt at a different pace and people move all over the world. But don’t worry because there are always amazing new people to meet, and you never know what they are going to bring to your life.

4. You are going to make mistakes, and you are going to be okay:
I used to think I had to have all the answers all the time, but now in my period of waiting and watching and applying and sighing, I realize that I’m allowed to fall down and make mistakes and take this moment of question-mark-ness. Now I realize that if I fall, I just have to get back up, and if I fall again, I’m just going to have to get back up again. That’s the journey.

3. You only have to answer to you – when it comes to life decisions:
I used to think I had to keep up with the crowd, do cool things, impress my parents, reach a certain status. Now I’m starting to learn that I couldn’t be something I’m not, that that is where my life path is. See #17. When I die, I’, hoping that in the split second before I expire, when my life is all laid out in front of me like a patch work quilt, I tried my best as a person to be good and love those around me, but also that I tried my best to listen to my heart and do what was in it.

2. If you want something, you have to ask for it.
No body is just going to hand you your dreams and ambitions. It’s a hard, slippery, scary path, but you have to walk it because nobody else is going to walk it for you. Remember in school when if you wanted to join a sports team or do the play, your parents had to sign something, or they could call the teachers and complain if you didn’t get in? Now it’s you that has to make the fuss, ask for things, fight for yourself.

1. You are going to have SO much fun!

And those are my 24 things. Some are rude, harsh, cynical. Some are sappy and some were just me scrabbling. But there they are laid out for you.

Enjoy.

Dream a little dream of Me

Woke up an hour before my alarm this morning because of an extremely vivid bad dream. Because I start work at 7am, this makes the hour of my sit-up-gasping-in-bed moment around 5 am. I try to roll over, try to shush my pounding heart, but there is no quieting the mind when you realize you have to be up soon anyway. And that the nightmare you just had contains some truth to it. So rather than lie in the dark in anguish counting down the seconds…why not get on the internet and Rant?

My Mum says that I put too much stock in my dreams, always trying to understand what they mean. And she is right. I have always respected and wondered at underlying meanings in dreams. Just last night, my very cool and not-weird-at-all Roomie told me about a dream she had where she was an elephant. She spent quite a while trying to search for meaning online. Well then. See Mother. It is not only I who quests for meaning.

I get that dreams are our brains processing thoughts from our day…or our minds unwinding – working through the slough of our conscious-self (Google had this to say: Dreams are successions of imagesideasemotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation, as well as a subject of philosophical and religious interest, throughout recorded history. – Thank you Wikipedia).

While I try not to let my dreams affect my waking life, when something in my REM cycle makes me sit bolt upright at 5am, it’s definitely time to re-asses a situation and figure out what it is that so startled you and hurtled you into consciousness.

In this instance, the dream was about the loss of a relationship that I hold to be very important in my life. I dreamt that an event had already occurred which had ended this bond, and I was powerless to stop the ensuing shit-show. I bumped into the person and all they could do was look at me in disgust and walk away. And I was left with that heart-creating-scar-tissue feeling you get when you feel like you are so sad you might break in half.

For someone who has always been a bit of a control freak, change is difficult (I know it’s ironic considering I love to travel and move around) and change that is out of my control…well I have always struggled with that one. Better to be the one calling “DO THE HOKEY POKEY!!” than the kid on the side who suddenly finds out it’s Hokey Pokey time.

I know that you can’t value yourself by the people in your life, you are a separate entity that works towards being the best version of you you can be (theoretically) but it’s hard not to get that path entwined with the paths of others. You are born into a family grid automatically, intertwining with those around you, you go to school and get mixed up in those friends lives, you fall in and out of love twisting up your journey even more. Those people around you become so important, and I know the quotes about when you are born, you are born alone and when you die, you die alone, but for this brief shining wonderful life on Earth, your People are your measure, they are your community. People often make assumptions about you in regards to the company you keep, so it is not wholly stupid to consider the people around you.

At the end of Year 12 I went on a Grad Trip, and during this trip, I had a slow realization that the people I was with were very different from me. I felt like I didn’t fit in with them, and with all of us headed to different Universities in different parts of the world, I wasn’t sure if we would be friends later in life. When I got back to Hong Kong, and one of my best friends and I got into a HUGE fight about something that had happened during our self-exploratory week away, I basically told her to “Have a nice life.” And I cut her off.

In the past 6 years, I can safely say I’ve thought about that every 6 months or so. I haven’t really spoken to my ex-friend since (apart from bumping into her once or twice) but I always kind of regret it. It’s been more years since High School was over than the years of friendship we actually shared during those confusing adolescent semesters.

But the rapidity with which I closed myself off to her surprised me. I have a stubborn streak it’s true, but I have never considered myself a cold, hard-hearted person, and that is how I treated her at the time. Granted there was A LOT of other shit going on in my life, but I sometimes struggle to wrap my head around how I just DECIDED to break that relationship.

A similar situation arose almost two years ago, but I was on the other side of the friendship being ended. The details aren’t important, but I was very sad. I got caught in a crossfire fight between two friends, and for some reason, was cut off like a dead limb from one of them.

It is painful to be sure, to lose someone so totally that is still alive and actually around, but I think the message that awoke me this morning with sweaty fuddled realization is that perhaps I need to strive to be more independent and less reliant or invested (are those the right words) in the relationships around me. People come and go from your life in a fluid natural journey, and you can’t hold on too tight.

Or maybe I need to stop taking all this cold and flu medication as it’s making me have really weird dreams.

Dunno.

I guess I’ll get up now and go to work.

End Rant