Things that are Gross about Childbirth AKA It’s my Birthday! Yay!

I’m so glad I was born.

I’m not sure how I would have come to exist if I wasn’t, but I’m definitely not thankful enough that my parents decided to fuck around with their birth control and then actually have me. Cheers you guys!

Pregnancy and Childbirth look kind of revolting and terrifying from where I’m standing and in recognition of the day I was ejected into the world, I thought I would compile a short list of the things that look the grossest from over here in singleton (population one).

Enjoy

5 Things that are Freaky about Pregnancy & Childbirth

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1. There is a person…inside you…and not in a Saturday night way
I always thought it was weird watching movies (and…I guess in real life) when an expectant mother is like “hey put your hand over here. You can feel the baby kicking.” What. THE. Fuck. A baby is kicking you in the stomach…from inside your stomach. Why would I want to touch that!? Why aren’t you freaking out?! Lets think about that for a second longer. Your child is living inside you. That is his or her house. Near your organs. Am I the only one that thinks thats a bit fucked up? I get it. Thats how babies are made (I took year seven sex ed thankyouverymuch and I’m pretty sure Australian babies are stored the same way as other babies…just upside down). I don’t want a person to live inside me! In todays society we get so little personal space in big cities, and you’re telling me I have to share my insides.

man thats whack.

2. Mood Swings … You in?
Sometimes its hard to know when something is just a you thing or if it’s an everybody thing. Like PMS for example. It is generally understood that most women suffer in one way or another from PMS. Angry/crazy mood swings, feeling sad, feeling fat, feeling paranoid, crying for no reason at all. I can get a handle on that, most women I know are somewhere on the crazy scale at all times. We get it, we’ve been there, maybe we’re there right now. NO I’M NOT! *cries*

Now I’m trying to imagine being pregnant. It’s likely just you (and your new pregnant friends that you made at some weird class where you practise giving birth or something) and your mood swings. You feel like you’re being crazy and going through this alone…yeah pretty much. No body understands what your going through…well other women who have had babies probably do a bit, but they aren’t actually with you in the moment right now. So… you clutch that watermelon and cry. You go Glen Coco.

3. and Stretch Marks…
Oh man, what’s not sexy about stretch marks?

4. 5Childbirth
I hate needles. I fainted in thailand after I had to get two shots after some freaking monkeys attacked me. Giving birth to a child seems like it involves a tonne of needles. Pain blockers (obviously) drips (uhhhhnooo) tests, surgery if it’s a C-section. They will cut you open or your child will rip you open. Decisions, decisions.
We all know where I could go on this topic. But I’m not going to go there. Mainly because if I start typing out all the things that are on the tip of my tongue, I’m going to start imagining them, and I’ve been trying really hard not to throw up at work today (so far, success!)
But lets all just agree that Childbirth looks painful and messy, and I don’t know how people did it before all the drugs that can take you off to a happy place. Props ancestors. Props.

5. Now what?
Now you have had your child and then…now you are responsible for this creature…forever. My mum just posted a thing on Facebook about how she can’t believe how fast the time has gone now I’m at the quarter century mark. And she’s still not rid of me. I’m going to be drink dialling that woman for the rest of her life. Hope you enjoyed those brief 19 years where I wasn’t in your life demanding attention and care every single day. Golden days.

Happy birthday to me, and to my parents who had me (not you Dad, you just got to stand in the room) and raised me and stuff.

I guess having a baby must not be all bad because people keep doing it.

And hey, I’ve thought about doing skydiving, so probably one day i’ll be crazy enough to think reproducing is a great idea.

Hopefully by then there will be some kind of technology where you can just put all the bits together into a holographic microwave type machine and then a baby just kind of gets made.

That or pull a Nicole Kidman and just pay someone else to have it.

End Rant.

 

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I want to be thin, but I really want to eat all this cheese.

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Ah the first world problems I face as a wealthyish (hahaha) educated (excuse me while I cry into my MFA in Creative Writing) white (yep) woman (yepyepyep).

I am bombarded by all these bodies on television and in Print media, where the girls are always tanned, taught and aerodynamic (how do they make their boobs not point down??!… wahhhh!) and I’m informed that this particular size and proportion is beautiful and another size and proportion is not.

And then every second thing I see around me is an advertisement for something delicious, like a triple quarter pounder with extra fat injected into the burger buns for added deliciousness.

What’s a girl supposed to do/think?

Deny herself all the scrumptious things out there? Yeah. Right.

Go to the gym and work out like a Durecell bunny on crack? HAhaHA. No but really…don’t make me go to the gym.

It’s tough and it’s not new and it’s not like this is a revolutionary conversation I’m having with myself over here.

There is plenty of evidence to support the fact that these photoshopped “women” are cultivating bad body image in young ladies and giving young men an unrealistic expectation level of what a female body can look like (sorrrrrrry my thighs aren’t skinnier than my arms and my bum doesn’t look like a peach, but more like a blob of hardened oven grease…jeez).

So how to combat this? There are plenty of theories out there. Education on healthy eating and promoting nutrition (I’m looking at you United states of Corn Syrup).

And for young women especially, how can we work to change this subculture of fat vs thin. The number of eating disorders amongst young people is staggering and saddening (1 in 10 young women in the United States). What can we do? Promote more average body sizes in modelling and advertising, is one thing that has always played around on the periphery. More education? Support? All of that is useless when a bully is tormenting you, or someone or something makes you hate yourself and truly find yourself disgusting.

When I was last back in Hong Kong I found a journal I had kept right after a breakup with long term boyfriend numero uno. And do you know what I found? Pages and pages and pages of lists of what I ate that day v.s the exercise I did.

“6 x stair runs up ladder street. 1 Can tuna, one apple, 2 weetbix, 1 rice noodles in soup”
Good god it’s like I was living at a bland ashram when in fact I was living in a city with some of the tastiest cuisine in the world. And Ladder street?! It’s called ladder street because the steps are almost vertical (i’m making that up…there could fully be a different reason I am unaware of).

Why did I keep an obsessive journal like this, rather than tear stained pages working through my complex emotions of angst and heartbreak and having to find a new boyfriend with a car who can drive me around because I never learned?

Because that dude made me feel unattractive and I thought no one would ever love me again if I didn’t look a certain way.

Which is ridiculous because you should love someone for more than whether their jeans say size 6 or a size 16. And also I’m hilarious, so I’m okay.

But even if you don’t have that going for you, you still shouldn’t let a guy make you feel like you aren’t nice to look at. And if one does, then go tell your Mum or Dad or tell someone like me, and we’ll go kick his ass. Fucker.

And women of the world should never let some loser make them feel unattractive because have you seen a nut sack lately? I have, and man, those things are revolting.

There is nothing on my body (cellulite included) that is as gross as where the male body stores it’s reproductive sphere’s.

So yes I will be eating the rest of the Brie wheel today that I started at breakfast. Thankyouverymuch.

End Rant.

 

 

 

 

“Trendy” things that need to die

Maybe I’m just too old for this shiz, but some things that are considered “cool” these days are just too hideous from where I’m standing.
I’m not trying to control your creativity, and I’m not saying that I could maybe think some of these things are actually AMAZING idea’s (when I’m three shots of Jack Daniels Deep).
I’m just saying, sober, I’d rather the following would cease to exist.
Like…Forever…Like…Immediately.

alice

The Half/Side Shave Head Thing for women:
Uhhhhhrhhhhgghh. You did what-now to your head? I think girls with shaved heads can be sexy, and I think girls with long hair can be sexy. Should you mix those two together? What are you a commitment-phobe or something? Why are you trying out two hairstyles at the same time?! What is this madness?! Yay, you’re such an individual…now that this look has become total mainstream. Hello? Oh it’s 2008 calling, they said it’s been 5 years since this look was a thing, probs should think of something else now, like dyeing your hair aquamarine. Good luck growing out your hair past that awkward tufty stage.

baby-yolo

YOLO
Sweet baby Cheeses how I hate those four letters in that combination. If you use that word, we aren’t friends and we never will be, until you spend some time on a desert island by yourself, cultivating a personality and a special relationship with a Volleyball (WIIIIIIILLLLSSSSOOOOONNN). I think David Clark (played by my future husband Jason Sudekis) summed it up the best in ‘We’re the Millers’ (a surprisingly funny Jennifer Aniston movie) when he said:
“You couldn’t have sent us a text….LOL picture of a whale…hashtag YOLO”.
Right on future hubs. Right on.

Playsuit MyYard patterned Jonathon Aston hold ups from myTights (1) shoes New Look necklace Love hearts and crosses

The Playsuit
Maybe I’m just drinking the hate-o-rade on this one because I definitely do NOT have the body to pull this fashion item off, but I think playsuits are done. If you aren’t ridiculously skinny and amazing, it kindof looks like you’re wearing a nappy. See ya in the next fashion upswing Ugly.

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The term “Swag”
First off, if you are using the term Swag, then I am already cooler than you (and that is saying something because I’m not cooler than many people) and also, no. Just no. You were obviously born after 1995, and I can’t take people who don’t know the words to all the Spice Girls songs seriously.

1217_ExpLife_OSL_WedgeSneaker_03The Wedge Sneaker
This trend isn’t even *that* old and yet I wish that the person who thought this was an incredible idea had instead turned their madness into something excellent, like raincoats for penguins, or something equally as functional and useful. What I don’t get is, why am I strangely attracted to these? I like lace up boots, I like my wedges, and my sneakers are comfy so I feel love towards them. This item however is the mutant love child of those things and must be killed before it burns down the village! SHUNnnnnnn.

 

Feeling kindof like Grandpa Simpson over here

itll-happen-to-you

 

All the 17 year olds be like: you are so uncool!

Whatever bitch, I’ll just be over here with my wine that I bought ALL BY MYSELF with my ID and everything.

# whale symbol smiley face YOLO

 

Should I eat this expired Pork?

piggies

Things you don’t know that only Google/Your parent can answer.

Should I eat this Expired Pork?
It’s best before date is 3 days ago, but it seems okay and it’s been in the fridge…?
Google says: NO!
Dad says: Yes. Just cook it well and it will be fine. Best before dates are for the retailer to sell it.
Verdict: Well I cooked it and will be having it for dinner. Usually I have an iron stomach… I guess we’ll soon see!

Should I book these tickets to Chicago for my birthday next month for a fun filled weekend of USA shenanigans?
Google says: Air Canada flights… your pet can accompany you on board… What the fuck google?! That doesn’t help me!
Parents say: Isn’t there something else you should be using that $300 for?
Verdict: Flights booked to Chicago! YAY!

Why does my stomach hurt after the equivalent of 3 wheels of Brie because there was a free cheese platter and I can’t help myself?
Google says: Here are 18 reasons your stomach might be hurting, including gall stones, Pancreatitis, Lactose intolerance (jesus christ, lets start with Gall stones and Pancreatic diseases before we suggest lactose intolerance… thanks for freaking me out google!)
Parents say: Don’t eat so much Brie Paris!
Verdict: I’m probably dying. Make sure they play ‘Party in the USA’ when I go.

What am I doing with my life?
Google says: Actually there are quite a lot of blogs and articles on this topic as other twenty something year-olds wonder where to go, what to do, how to chase their passions. Glad to know that I am not totally hopeless/alone and there are others like me out there (maybe even DOZENS of us) But no definitive tailored answer. Shit.
Dad says: Keep writing, you’re a super star, you’re amazing, you’ll get there!!
Mum says: Stop panic-ing, just live, here are some quotes, we love you.
Verdict: Curl up into a ball until this round of freaking out goes away. Thankyooooou emotional roller coaster.

Do I have a pension plan already, because I feel like my money is being sneaked out into one through tax and such and while I’d rather have that money now, I guess I should kind of know, right?
Google says: 

The Canada Pension Plan (CPP) retirement pension provides a monthly benefit to eligible Canadians.

You must have worked and made at least one valid contribution (payment) to the CPP to qualify for a CPP retirement pension. The standard age to begin receiving the pension is 65. However, you can take a permanently reduced CPP retirement pension as early as age 60 or take a permanently increased pension after age 65.

Dad says: Well you see… (and then I tuned out – although I love you Papa).
Verdict: Long hair, don’t care! I’ll worry about boring things like that when i’m boring, like when I turn 35.

If I keep eating the amount of sugar I do daily, will I get Diabetes?
Google says:

Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors.

Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories from any source contributes to weight gain. Research has shown that drinking sugary drinks is linked to type 2 diabetes.

Parents say: We have Diabetes in our family. You should be careful, eat healthy and regularly excercise.
Verdict: Change nothing, worry every once in a while.

Thanks Google & Parents. With your combined knowledge – I am more equipped to face every day.

 

5 Things Drunk you thought were amazing ideas AKA Your Sunday Full of Remorse

5. I am totally going to do my makeup AFTER I’ve started drinking 

tumblr_m8dep1uFPM1ruvkovRemember that time you were five years old and you went into Mum’s room when she wasn’t watching you and you went to her special bag and pulled out that magical stuff she put on her lips which was in the cool thin tube? You put it all-over your face and thought: “dayuuuum I look good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!”

That is you- drunkenly trying to apply make up to your face AFTER the 3 glasses of wine. Sure maybe your inhibitions were down and you got a bit creative and that is OKAY so long as you pass out before actually making it to the bar. Just remember that you like to mupload whilst you are drinking, so you’ve no one to blame for the 12 or so pictures on your facebook in the morning, except yourself.

Tell me I'm pretty?

Tell me I’m pretty?

4. I can totally drink beer after my wine and those tequila shots!

drunk-girl

 

Yeayahhhhh!! I can drink what I want and not get sick. And if I do throw up a little, that’s cool. Shake it off, rinse that mouth out and get back into it. You’re fine. Until the next day where you roll over and you can hear your brain scraping along the inside of your skull and if you smell any kind of food at all…you might quit living.

3. Drunken cooking

web video - My Drunk Kitchen

 

When you’re too poor/lazy for late night Chinese and the stomach is c-ah-raving something delicious, be sure to give in to that. You can be as messy as you want because drunk you ain’t got time for dishes and stuff! That’s a job for sober you and that girl is a cranky bi-yatch anyway. Be inventive. Never thought cereal and mashed potato was good combo? WRONG, because you just ate crushed up cornflakes and cheese sprinkled on top of that sweet sweet mash, and guess what losers? It was delicious.

2. Dealing with Clothing

dirty_laundry_floor

 

If you like to put on your makeup drunk, try choosing an outfit! Those pesky clothes hangers are getting in the way of your outfit and killing your vibe. Better to hold things up to your body and then just toss them on the bed or floor! Who can be bothered to put things away when Beyonce is blaring in the background??! Girls gotta look fabulous. There’s nothing better than waking up to a totally trashed room. Amiright?

1. Drunk Texting

Debatably less dangerous than Drink Driving, Drink texting leads to all kinds of sober-morning-after remorse, and/or pregnancy. Why don’t our smart phones come equipped with the iCondom, to protect you and potential partners from the spread of unwanted drunken text messages? Somebody call Apple!

i-didnt-text-you-jack-daniels-did

The C-bomb, and I’m not talking about the swear word Ass-douche

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My roommate has Cancer.

And it fucking sucks.

She is a 22 year old student who hoards mugs in her room (we know you do, once we had to rescue some from that den of despair because we were drinking our tea out of wine glasses, which, while fancy, was going to result in exploding glass and you had like 20 in there….bitch), does stand-up comedy, wears loud/funky print dresses and is generally an awesome person who streams TV on her laptop (which is confusing because once i heard shouting in there and I thought her and her boyf were fighting) and only leaves her room when necessary (uuuuhhh sunlight noooo).

I have lived in a floating bubble my entire life.

I’ve never lived anywhere long enough to see people get sick with anything more intense than the flu, because I’ve always moved around so much and have been away from it all (like that time my best friend got DVT and had to get injections every day in her bum…sorry loser, i’m in Canada drinking maple syrup and eating Poutine…hope you’re okay and stuff though… and like…love you…?).

Maybe I see on Facebook that someone is ill, or maybe my dad calls me and tells me someone has passed away, but my life has been pretty sterile in terms of difficult life issues. It all has seemed very removed and distant from my every day existence.

I will be 25 in October and I’ve been to one funeral in my life.

So to say that Cancer in my apartment has come as a surprise/shock would be an understatement.

I’m an emotional person (no…really?) and I know that on this blog and in my life I use a lot of sarcasm/humor to mask how I really feel, but I legitimately have not known how to process this recent turn of events.

It is not MY Cancer, and I don’t think this is an excuse to get all Soap Opera up in here.

But what the actual fuck.

I’m scared for her.

Cancer needs to back off.

So, after feeling pretty damn roller-coaster-glass-case-of-emotion-y and feeling like I-can’t-write-about-this and I-don’t-know-how-to-deal for the last couple of weeks, a very good friend of mine told me I shouldn’t be afraid to write about this. And to approach this issue with the humor my “leaves-dishes-in-the-sink-because-they-are”soaking”-yeah-right-good-one” roommate would appreciate.

At the risk of offending everybody, i’m sorry in advance.

Amazing way’s to throw your Cancer in everybody’s face so you can get what you want: always.

1. Getting out of a Parking Ticket:
I’m sorry officer, I was on my way to my Cancer Doctor appointment and ran out of time so I parked illegally. It’s pretty hard to find good parking spaces, what with the Cancer and all.

2. In relationships:
Oh we’re having a fight? And i’m in the wrong? Are you forgetting a little something called I HAVE CANCER. That’s what I thought. Apology accepted.

3. Getting people to go the extra mile for you:
Those shoes are the last pair and they are on hold you say? That’s a shame. Man this Cancer has been getting me down, I feel like if I had those shoes I’d be able to face this so much better. Sorry? Yes I said I have Cancer. Oh you don’t normally do this, but I can have the shoes? Thank you. This is a totally and completely unexpected turn of events.

That’s all I got humor wise on this un-funny issues.

The amazing thing about my Roomie (and her boyf who is going through this too really) is how strong she is being. Her attitude is: this sucks, but i’m getting on with it and its 2013. I’m dealing with this.

It’s really one of those things that makes you want to hug your loved ones closer, think about what’s really important, and gives you a kick in the arse for not living each day with all the potential we have.

I have my fingers crossed that she is going to be okay, and I will continue to send her amazingly inappropriate texts, because that is how I do.

But if I’ve learned anything over the last few weeks it is that life is a mystery maze. One day you turn the corner and it’s raining snickers bars and gummy bears, and you’re rolling around in a pile of deliciousness, the next day you turn the corner and a Unicorn punches you in the face because you looked at him funny.

Or whatever.

So roll with the (unicorn) punches, and make the most of it.

P.

 

 

 

A day in the life of Hedgey the Hedgehog, the worst creature in the world

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Oh hey you guys! My name is Hedgey and I’m a hedgehog that lives in Toronto with my roommates Paris and Dani, and my Mum Brodie.

Brodie is the only person I won’t bite in the whoooooollleeeee world, and sometimes I’ll still puff up my spikes when she tries to touch me.

My only defence is to curl up into a little ball and make *puff* noises when you try to touch me. I also jerk a bit so it seems like my spikes will shoot off my back and kill you. But they won’t, because really, I can’t do much more damage to you than a toilet brush (unless I bite you.)

My eyesight is pretty poor so I can’t see much, and I sleep 95% of the day because I’m nocturnal or something.

The only time I don’t like to sleep is at 4am when I like to run on my crazy annoying squeaky wheel and drink out of my rabbit-feeder type water bottle which makes a *GUNKGUNKGUNK* sound when I drink out of it.

It scares the shit out of which ever drunk friend is sleeping on the couch.

My diet consists of dry cat food ONLY. No other food will ever interest me, although sometimes when I smell something weird/new i like to lick myself with my foamy saliva – which is totally weird and gross.

I have no friends in the whole wide world (except Brodie) because I am a lame, mean, anti-social pet.

Yay Me.