Google where art thou

I use Google for everything.

When I’m lost or need to find the best route somewhere (and because I’m a 25 year old without a license – how to best get their via public transport). I Google recipes that involve the four things in my fridge (butter, chicken, olives, blue cheese). I Google ailments that afflict me (what is this rash on the back of my hand and why do I smell pretzels?) I Google that song with the guy from the thing I like.

Google knows what I mean. Google knows everything.

Google is a verb and a noun.

Google is my god. Hail to thee and thy googley goodness.

Soooooo it stands to reason that in moments of pure frustration – I have turned to Google for those harder answers.

And Google has not always helped me out in my time of need.

Google, what am I doing with my life?

Google, does that cute guy I always smile at like me or is he just like, being friendly and sweet? 

Google, so I got this text from this other guy I like and it was all, “nm u?” and then a winky face. Do you think I should make a move or like, go to that party thing that my friends are all going to? Like, whats the deal?

Google, I think I want to move to LA or London or New York. How hard will it be for me to find a job in the industry there, and will I make friends ok? And will it hard to be find an apartment in an area that isn’t dangerous? And whats the least stressful way to get a visa for the states if I choose the states?

Should I choose the states? Or should I go live it up in Europe and travel around and marry Prince Harry/his look alike?

Google’s been failing me on those tough ones.

But then, that’s what happens when you put your faith and destiny into the hands of an all powerful being (or corporation).

Come on Google! Give me a sign! Show me I’m on the right path!

When Google doesn’t speak to me directly, can I conclude that it doesn’t care about me? I launch my request into it’s search bar and it just gives me vague links, throwing my answers back at me. Making me make decisions for myself, not really guiding me, but ever present, supposedly ever watchful. Google has billions of users and I’m just one small voice in the ocean of browsers.

Something something Religious analogy.

google_god

 

Advertisements

Give me a Hand

funny-greeting-card-middle-finger

I stare at the back of my hands a lot because I mostly work at a computer and when I’m not staring at the glowing screen, I am staring at the body-tools that do almost everything, every day of my life.

Do you appreciate how much your hands can do for you? (Mind’s out of the gutter please)

In the summer of 2012 I met a guy with no arms who did everything with his feet. That was pretty incredible. And while he can play the drums with his feet and I can’t, I think I’ll stick to my hands thanks. Although his stomach muscles were AMAZING and my abs look like raw cookie dough.

And I’m so glad I have two hands because lots of times the tasks we need to perform require the pair, but there is a huge difference between your right and left hand, and as I started to think about this, I started to get all philosophical and junk (you know how I do).

Recently I’ve started wearing two rings, one on each hand. On my right hand is the ring my Grandmother gave me for my 21st birthday that is a Family heirloom (supposedly) and on my left, most recently, I’ve started wearing a ring my Roommate gave me that is funky and in the shape of a wish bone. With rings, for me it was a case of “where does the ring fit?!”

And then I started to get deeper into the functions of the left and right hands (hello bored-on-public-transport-mind-rambles).

I am right handed, so I do all my hand-written stuff with my right hand. What is it that I hand write these days? Not much! Signatures on things, work-related things that need to be filled out and sent back. I use my right hand for handshakes (as is custom), and most tasks, like using a computer mouse, brushing my teeth/hair. The right hand is for business and leads the way. And if you are right handed what does your left hand do?

Well, your left hand has the traditional western wedding-ring finger. For women, the second finger from the left is adorned with a ring when the woman becomes engaged, and Men and Women typically where rings on that same finger to signify that they are married.

Does this mean that my right hand is for business and my left hand is for family/love?

Hands are often symbolic of friendship, but after a brief google search and a quick skim, I also found this:

Left Hand Right Hand
Passive Assertive
Justice Mercy
Lunar Solar
Emotion Logic
Receiving Giving
Unconscious Conscious

Which is kind of interesting and totally backs up what I was saying.

Yay Science/Internet browsing!

If we didn’t have hands we couldn’t:
-Open Jars of Nutella
-Clean ourselves after eating an entire jar of Nutella
-Give people the middle finger when they judge us for eating all the Nutella before we get to the checkout
-Smack bitches who comment on how much Nutella we’ve been eating and how fat we are now
(This post sponsored by Nutella, just kidding but hey Nutella call me….)

All in all, I’m glad for hands, and I’ll definitely be more thankful for them on a daily basis. Especially since my feet are gross and I don’t want to have to learn how to play the drums with them. Like I can’t play the drums anyway…but yeah!

End ramble.

 

 

Should I eat this expired Pork?

piggies

Things you don’t know that only Google/Your parent can answer.

Should I eat this Expired Pork?
It’s best before date is 3 days ago, but it seems okay and it’s been in the fridge…?
Google says: NO!
Dad says: Yes. Just cook it well and it will be fine. Best before dates are for the retailer to sell it.
Verdict: Well I cooked it and will be having it for dinner. Usually I have an iron stomach… I guess we’ll soon see!

Should I book these tickets to Chicago for my birthday next month for a fun filled weekend of USA shenanigans?
Google says: Air Canada flights… your pet can accompany you on board… What the fuck google?! That doesn’t help me!
Parents say: Isn’t there something else you should be using that $300 for?
Verdict: Flights booked to Chicago! YAY!

Why does my stomach hurt after the equivalent of 3 wheels of Brie because there was a free cheese platter and I can’t help myself?
Google says: Here are 18 reasons your stomach might be hurting, including gall stones, Pancreatitis, Lactose intolerance (jesus christ, lets start with Gall stones and Pancreatic diseases before we suggest lactose intolerance… thanks for freaking me out google!)
Parents say: Don’t eat so much Brie Paris!
Verdict: I’m probably dying. Make sure they play ‘Party in the USA’ when I go.

What am I doing with my life?
Google says: Actually there are quite a lot of blogs and articles on this topic as other twenty something year-olds wonder where to go, what to do, how to chase their passions. Glad to know that I am not totally hopeless/alone and there are others like me out there (maybe even DOZENS of us) But no definitive tailored answer. Shit.
Dad says: Keep writing, you’re a super star, you’re amazing, you’ll get there!!
Mum says: Stop panic-ing, just live, here are some quotes, we love you.
Verdict: Curl up into a ball until this round of freaking out goes away. Thankyooooou emotional roller coaster.

Do I have a pension plan already, because I feel like my money is being sneaked out into one through tax and such and while I’d rather have that money now, I guess I should kind of know, right?
Google says: 

The Canada Pension Plan (CPP) retirement pension provides a monthly benefit to eligible Canadians.

You must have worked and made at least one valid contribution (payment) to the CPP to qualify for a CPP retirement pension. The standard age to begin receiving the pension is 65. However, you can take a permanently reduced CPP retirement pension as early as age 60 or take a permanently increased pension after age 65.

Dad says: Well you see… (and then I tuned out – although I love you Papa).
Verdict: Long hair, don’t care! I’ll worry about boring things like that when i’m boring, like when I turn 35.

If I keep eating the amount of sugar I do daily, will I get Diabetes?
Google says:

Type 1 diabetes is caused by genetics and unknown factors that trigger the onset of the disease; type 2 diabetes is caused by genetics and lifestyle factors.

Being overweight does increase your risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and a diet high in calories from any source contributes to weight gain. Research has shown that drinking sugary drinks is linked to type 2 diabetes.

Parents say: We have Diabetes in our family. You should be careful, eat healthy and regularly excercise.
Verdict: Change nothing, worry every once in a while.

Thanks Google & Parents. With your combined knowledge – I am more equipped to face every day.

 

Dream a little dream of Me

Woke up an hour before my alarm this morning because of an extremely vivid bad dream. Because I start work at 7am, this makes the hour of my sit-up-gasping-in-bed moment around 5 am. I try to roll over, try to shush my pounding heart, but there is no quieting the mind when you realize you have to be up soon anyway. And that the nightmare you just had contains some truth to it. So rather than lie in the dark in anguish counting down the seconds…why not get on the internet and Rant?

My Mum says that I put too much stock in my dreams, always trying to understand what they mean. And she is right. I have always respected and wondered at underlying meanings in dreams. Just last night, my very cool and not-weird-at-all Roomie told me about a dream she had where she was an elephant. She spent quite a while trying to search for meaning online. Well then. See Mother. It is not only I who quests for meaning.

I get that dreams are our brains processing thoughts from our day…or our minds unwinding – working through the slough of our conscious-self (Google had this to say: Dreams are successions of imagesideasemotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep.[1] The content and purpose of dreams are not definitively understood, though they have been a topic of scientific speculation, as well as a subject of philosophical and religious interest, throughout recorded history. – Thank you Wikipedia).

While I try not to let my dreams affect my waking life, when something in my REM cycle makes me sit bolt upright at 5am, it’s definitely time to re-asses a situation and figure out what it is that so startled you and hurtled you into consciousness.

In this instance, the dream was about the loss of a relationship that I hold to be very important in my life. I dreamt that an event had already occurred which had ended this bond, and I was powerless to stop the ensuing shit-show. I bumped into the person and all they could do was look at me in disgust and walk away. And I was left with that heart-creating-scar-tissue feeling you get when you feel like you are so sad you might break in half.

For someone who has always been a bit of a control freak, change is difficult (I know it’s ironic considering I love to travel and move around) and change that is out of my control…well I have always struggled with that one. Better to be the one calling “DO THE HOKEY POKEY!!” than the kid on the side who suddenly finds out it’s Hokey Pokey time.

I know that you can’t value yourself by the people in your life, you are a separate entity that works towards being the best version of you you can be (theoretically) but it’s hard not to get that path entwined with the paths of others. You are born into a family grid automatically, intertwining with those around you, you go to school and get mixed up in those friends lives, you fall in and out of love twisting up your journey even more. Those people around you become so important, and I know the quotes about when you are born, you are born alone and when you die, you die alone, but for this brief shining wonderful life on Earth, your People are your measure, they are your community. People often make assumptions about you in regards to the company you keep, so it is not wholly stupid to consider the people around you.

At the end of Year 12 I went on a Grad Trip, and during this trip, I had a slow realization that the people I was with were very different from me. I felt like I didn’t fit in with them, and with all of us headed to different Universities in different parts of the world, I wasn’t sure if we would be friends later in life. When I got back to Hong Kong, and one of my best friends and I got into a HUGE fight about something that had happened during our self-exploratory week away, I basically told her to “Have a nice life.” And I cut her off.

In the past 6 years, I can safely say I’ve thought about that every 6 months or so. I haven’t really spoken to my ex-friend since (apart from bumping into her once or twice) but I always kind of regret it. It’s been more years since High School was over than the years of friendship we actually shared during those confusing adolescent semesters.

But the rapidity with which I closed myself off to her surprised me. I have a stubborn streak it’s true, but I have never considered myself a cold, hard-hearted person, and that is how I treated her at the time. Granted there was A LOT of other shit going on in my life, but I sometimes struggle to wrap my head around how I just DECIDED to break that relationship.

A similar situation arose almost two years ago, but I was on the other side of the friendship being ended. The details aren’t important, but I was very sad. I got caught in a crossfire fight between two friends, and for some reason, was cut off like a dead limb from one of them.

It is painful to be sure, to lose someone so totally that is still alive and actually around, but I think the message that awoke me this morning with sweaty fuddled realization is that perhaps I need to strive to be more independent and less reliant or invested (are those the right words) in the relationships around me. People come and go from your life in a fluid natural journey, and you can’t hold on too tight.

Or maybe I need to stop taking all this cold and flu medication as it’s making me have really weird dreams.

Dunno.

I guess I’ll get up now and go to work.

End Rant