Cosmo Sex Tips are ruining my life

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As an English Major I’ve read a lot of literature in my time, and I continue to read everything from the Game of Thrones series, sci-fi books like Enders Game, biographies and all the chick-lit in between. So for me a Magazine is like junk food for my brain. 

I mean who doesn’t want to look at pictures of chicks wearing hot stuff, with perfect makeup and hair, and be like pfffft I could be a model.

And there are articles in Magazines too. Some of them are great. Many of them relate to sex. Because thats all I’m into as a woman, clothes, and how to please my man. I just had to double check it’s not the 1950’s. Nope. phewph. 

Some of the sex tips are eyebrow raisers, some of them will outright get you punched in the face.

 

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…..there are no words. I’m trying to picture the guy I likes reaction if I tried this. Like, hey baby I want to fork you REALLY hard…in the butt. This one will definitely get you a punch in the face. Next tip from cosmo? Heat a spoon and stick it right up in there. Guys love this. Tonnes of nerves up there. Okay I may have gone a bit far. I’m gagging.

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Me: I TOLD you I like SUNFLOWERS. It remembers my favourite flower or else it gets the wax again.

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I feel like this is unhelpful. Because it’s lacking some very important information, like, when is this appropriate and kinda can you be more specific. I can’t wait to taste your toes. MMMMMM especially if you just got done sport or the gym. Nummynummy sweaty feet tastiness. I can’t wait to taste your beard. It’s…crunchy and delicious. I can’t wait to taste your elbow. Nibble nibble. Somebody call Lays, I think I just came up with their newest flavours. Also, when is this applicable. Dinner? Family dinner? At the bank? I need more information.

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Seriously? Should I just walk around being like WHOOPSIES?

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Why stop at water? Why not jelly? Or Ham? Why not whoopsie wet ham down the front of my shirt? That outta get his attention.

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Okay Cosmo. What I’m visualizing right now is I’m a lip licking, moaning clumsy babe, walking around with her butt poised in your general direction at all times, like entering rooms backwards, constantly kind of at a 90 degree angle. Batt eye-lashes. Now I’m irresistible?

 I’m pretty sure the guys I know would back slowly out of the room and then have me committed if I acted like this. Somewhere with soft walls and plenty of electromagnetic pulses. Which I’m sure the writers at cosmo would be totally into.

Eg:

Tip 18: next time he has you committed to a mental facility, try to sexy up the mood by playfully biting at your restraining straps. Arch your back seductively when they zap you with electricity. Those straight jackets are totally hot because they push your arms under your boobs making them look TOTES big.

No Cosmo.

Just no.

 

5 problems we would face if we could have a pet dragon

Those that see me during the week know that I am currently reading the second book in the Game of Thrones series: A Clash of Kings. The book weighs a shit tonne* and is causing me to grow additional muscles in one of my shoulder blades, thereby creating the coveted Hunchback of Notre Dame look.

I regret taking the advice of a friend to begin reading this series, as it is extremely addictive and hard to put down – thereby necessitating that the hardcover book come with me wherever I go, lest I have a few moments of peace to read a few pages.

The book and a half I have read of this series has been uplifting, devastating, dramatic, emotional, terrifying and angering. The best part of it all however has been the introduction of three of my favorite characters.

Three Dragons.

I LOVE dragons. My Chinese astrology sign is a dragon…there is really nothing I could say against dragons. I wish they existed. And if they did it would be glorious indeed. I would have one as a pet and all who went before me would tremble…

However we would face some challenges as Dragon-owners, you and I (because I know you’d want one too).

This is the truth. So it is.

Below are 5 problems I would face if I could have a pet Dragon.

5. Finding hilarious outfits for My Dragon.
In Hong Kong Markets, and in boutique pet stores across the globe, you can find hysterical little outfits for your pets. My cranky-ass cat, Guinness, has been wrestled and bullied into a number of outfits, much to our amusement and his displeasure. Finding a funny outfit for a Dragon would be beyond difficult. I mean, not only would the Dragon get pissed and slash you with their razor-sharp claws, it’s hard to choose what to dress them as, come on…it’s already a dragon! What are you going to dress him/her as? A lobster?

4. Giant Dragon Craps
When we had dogs growing up, one of the worst possible fucking things I had to do after school, was pick up the dogs poo from the backyard and move it (to the rubbish bin or into the neighbors garden…by flinging it over the wall). Can you IMAGINE the clean up required for a full grown Dragon? It would be insane and literary FLOOD the park you were walking through if your Dragon had an accident. Just visualize the rude stares from the other pet owners.

3. Stopping Pet Dragon from terrorizing other Pets
I love the dog Park at the Trinity Bell at Dundas and Ossington, but I can imagine being severely reproached if my Pet Dragon scorched the cute little Corgi I always see, in his excitement and rough-housing. And what about the poor squirrels in the park? Their hearts would actually explode from their chests if a Dragon tried to chase them up a tree.

2. “We’ve just had these floors re-done!”
My cat Guinness back in Hongkers, loves to sharpen his nails on my Mum’s walls. He’ll also scratch the floor, the couch and your leg. Everything basically, except the scratching post we have. So imagine what a dragon would do to your wall, floor or leg if she tried to claw at it. That would be bad indeed.

And the number One problem in having a Dragon as a Pet is…

  1. Finding somewhere to house your Dragon while you go away on Holiday.
    There are so few vacation Dragon-sitting services (google it, I did) and as much as you love your pets, you can’t let them stop you from going away. A Dragon is a big responsibility to dump on your friends so… If you’re trying to get to Coachella (like I am) you’re going to need the professionals.

And so concludes this edition of “It’s Friday and I am sapped of creative juices.”

Paris

*Shittonne is an accepted measurement for recording things that are ginourmous

Picture shanked from http://blog.advocate-art.com/index.php/archives/3240/victoria-maderna-advocate-art-illustration-agency-cartoon-greetings-cards-childrens-booksboy-and-dragon-pet