Sweetpea is Dead


My name is Paris, and I am not your “Sweetie”, “Sweetpea” or your “Honey”. I am a twenty seven year old adult (as far as you know) that works near you.

There is only one man who is allowed to call me Sweetie, and he wears ugly crocks, speaks bad french and gave me half of my last name (love you Dad).

So why is it, that I find myself being pet-named on frequent occasions, by dudes (and its 99% of the time dudes) I barely know? It is beyond frustrating, rude and very very unprofessional. Haven’t these fuckers watched Mad Men? We don’t want to be cute-sied, we want us to be taken FUCKING seriously. EVERY time some rent-a-suit calls me “Sweetie” I feel my Spice-Girl raised Girl Power soul shrivel and cringe inside. I am woman hear me ROAR.

Why is this happening?

I look down at myself today. Black jeans, black top, side braid, wedges. Nope, as I suspected, not wearing something that could have me be mistaken for a small child on a swing with a broken ice cream cone.


My attitude? Friendly, bubbly, outgoing. Not ditzy.

Okay. Maybe I’m being sensitive, maybe I should be careful not to fall town the Tumblrina rabbit hole of getting everyone to check their privilege (BOW TO THE POWER OF MY ALL ENCOMPASSING OVARIAN FEMALE MIGHT) but really, I mean really.

Do I look like a Sweetie? Does Madonna get called fucking Sweetpea before she opens a jar of jam with her brickhard thighs? Does Hilary Clinton get “Honey”?

Obama: Hi Honey, just letting you know I’m going to endorse you for president okay pumpkin?

How come I never hear blokes I’ve worked with getting pet names (unless you work in Australia and count ‘Cunt’ as an affectionate pet name)?

It boggles my mind that a man would think its totally fine to call me sweetie, but would NEVER EVER call someone of the same age, and position, different gender, a cute-sy name.

And I wish I could say, “oh its just the older generation, they don’t know any better” but no. No it isn’t. Guys very barely my senior do this. Have they forgotten my name? Is it like when you call someone “Buddy” because you can’t remember and it has been too long and you are afraid to ask?

Thankfully I am not alone in my frustrations. There are plenty of articles online claiming that these “terms of endearment” are actually subtle ways of belittling or condescending strong women in the work force, and urging professional ladies to put their foot down.

Suggestions for combating Sweetie-itis seem to run along the “just say politely do you mind not calling me that” lines, which seems way less dramatic than what I was thinking: morphing into a huge psychotic bitch that no one would dare condescend to and spritzing people with bear mace until they learn.

Sweetpea is dead people. Now, there is only Zuul… I mean Paris.



7 Things I learned about France


Why do we travel? For me personally it’s a combination of the desire to never sit still or commit to anything (watch me run from responsibility, WEEEEEEEE!) and to big-up myself to old high school friends who recently just added me on Facebook (whaaaaat? I’m in France for the film festival… sorry my life is so much more awesome than yours. Maybe you shouldn’t have bullied me in fifth period biyaaaatch. Sorry can’t chat – #jetsetting).

But I guess another reason we travel is because we like to learn from other cultures and junk – I mean that is what I tell myself/my parents, so yes, lets go with that.

1. Everything in France tastes better than anything, anywhere.
As a long time liver and lover of Australia, Canada and Hong Kong, I feel I am the right person to tell you with confidence that the rest of global cuisines ain’t got shit on the French. Twenty minutes before my flight out of Nice airport, I headed over to Mono-Prix (some kind of grocery/clothes/homewares store hybrid) and snagged a 2.99euro chocolate mousse which was LITERALLY the best mousse I have ever had…ever…in my whole life. At an airport. For the same price as a ride on the Toronto subway. “Yes hello everywhere? Sort your shit out, French food is leaving you behind in the dust.” The French care about their food and it’s definitely quality over quantity. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t attempt to eat a new kind of cheese or try a new flavor of ice cream every day we were there. Yes that’s right – I am bikini season ready.

2. Everyone in France smells really amazing and takes care of their appearance
This probably isn’t shocking to you, but people in France dress extremely well and take mega pride in their appearance. Walking down the street to buy milk? Heels. Walking to the beach? Better wear my super fine silver jewelry and awesome lace throw thats nicer than anything ever that Paris H-T would wear. Working out? Hang on – I need to make sure I smell like vanilla and sandalwood and fairy dreams. As someone who is as delicate as an elephant who could stand to lose a few, I feel there is much to be gleaned from the elegance of these people. Also the French wear their sophistication with a big “fuck you’ attitude, which I also enjoy.

3. French customer service is the worst thing ever aka, the French are tired of your bullshit.
Living in North America has made me jaded to customer service. Never, ever, ever, ever, in almost 3 years have I ever heard a sales associate talk back to a client. The customer is always right, dontcha know? Not true in France. During this trip I experienced multiple instances of stubborn, rude, even aggressive behavior towards paying customers. I cannot even begin to imagine the shit storm that would occur if someone in retail in North America behaved the way some of the French did. There would be anarchy, or at the very least, some kind of beatdown.

4. My French is way worse than I thought, but most people speak English.
Perhaps because of the time of year and because of where I was in France, I found that my French did not really approve at all on this trip (except to learn never to say “La Chat sur la Table – as that in actual fact translates to something like the Vagina is on the table – oh how they laughed … at me). I hate to be one of those English speaking tourists that rocks up to a new country and expects everyone to speak my language, but in reality, most, if not all of the people I spoke to could speak English – and pretty well. Parle Anglaise? Oui? Sweeeeeet.

5. The Russians are taking over France, and slowly, the world.
After English, the language people the in the south of France are learning is Russian. You have been warned.

6. The French are insanely attractive
There is that expression that “French women don’t get fat” and goddamn if that expression isn’t true. But also, no one told me that I’d be in eyecandy central and that I should rest my eyes before I was almost blinded by the attractiveness gleaming from every sidewalk. Can you say “Schwing”?

7. I could easily live in the South of France
The sun, the people, the architecture, the food. I wish I had had more time to explore because this is a truly beautiful part of the world.


Destinations I will gladly travel to for your wedding

Being an international woman of the world (I am Carmen Sandiago and you ARE jealous) I have friends scattered across the globe, which is fun for me because I get facebook birthday messages for like 48 hours, AND I have sweet places to crash when I travel.

But I’m getting to that fucked up weird age where people I know are starting to commit to each other (ew) and get engaged and stuff (yay diamonds!)

This is all very well and good except that I am missing out on heaps of free alcohol (read: engagement parties) and obviously not getting to squeal and dance around like a lunatic with my lady friends. And today when I really thought about it, I was like, fuuu-oh-oh, because obviously I want to attend the weddings of the people I love, but a lot of them are on the other side of the planet and stuff. And from what I understand about “working” (I believe it’s pronounced yerking?) in the real world – there are certain limitations to the number of days you can just not show up.

With that in mind, I thought it would be really helpful for me to compile a list of totally great locations that my friends could choose from (that’d be great thanks) for their wedding destinations, so that I could get a vacation AND do whatever it is you do at weddings these days (sing songs? hold hands in a field and commune with the earth? weep quietly in the corner while stroking the table cloth and whispering, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” before getting into a physical fight with the bartender because what do you mean I’m cut off?!)



The Bahamas
Lets get you guys married, ANNNNNND get a tan. This location is ideal for me because I have really good boobs and can really rock a bikini, and we all know it’s not a good day unless i’m drawing attention to the one great physical trait I got out of my family gene pool (screw you height, I didn’t want to be able to reach things on the top shelf anyway). From what I understand, The Bahamas are kind of close to me (well… close to Miami) so I wouldn’t have to spend so much time on a plane and could spend more time with you guys drinking at the bar (see how I’m always thinking of you? I’m great like that).

Also it’s totally pretty and your wedding photos will look great and we’ll all get to stay together at a resort and it will definitely be like a slumber party from High School only with less junk food and the same amount of drama and gossip.



The France
So after some initial research (eg. clicking one link, because I can google and skim things just as well as you can- thanks university for teaching me to read one or two sentences and then just assume the rest) I have discovered that only a Civil Ceremony in France is legally binding, and it has to be done at Town hall (borrrring) and that the Mayor has to do it (doesn’t he have more important mayoral type stuff to be doing?)
BUUUUUUT you can totally have a ceremony and I vote somewhere pretty like the French Riviera or a tiny little town that is adorable and where we can embarrass ourselves and people don’t know us so its fine and there is delicious cheese. Isn’t Champagne a place? Lets go there, I’m betting they have alcohol there. Like maybe they’re known for their beer?
Why *I* like this Idea: K first off, it’s France, so obviously we will do your wedding thing AND THEN go stuff our faces with cheese and baguettes and go shopping. Maybe all at the same time. I can multi-task (I think).
Why *YOU* like this idea: France is far and expensive and so you can cut out those people you kindof didn’t really want to invite but kindof had too. Also your photos again will be adorable and the catering will be pretty good. I hear they have good cheese. I’m kindof into cheese. I can’t tell if you can tell. But um yeah. Thats why I’m coming to your wedding in France. And also I love you…and shit.



African Safari Wedding
Listen, your husband-to-be clearly likes animals, look at his Groomsman line-up, so let’s just add more Predators to the wedding and go do an African Safari! I know you’re thinking I chose this because I just want to do a Safari and I don’t want to go by myself, but nooooo. It’s totally about you and you’re totally special to me and OMFGLOOKAGIRRAFFE!! And back to you. Also think of all the nature and the stars and the beauty of life and junk. You’re a part of the circle of life now that you and your man are pairing off. So lets just add to that with the majesty of the African continent.
Why we don’t like this Idea: Pretty sure we’re going to have to get some EPIC injections before we head over to your Safari wedding, and I just recently had to get Tetanus AND Rabies when I got bitten by a monkey and those tiny sharp bits of metal HURTGODDAMNIT. So yeah. We are probably going to have to factor that in. But BONUS, I felt really sick and couldnt eat for a day and a half when I got the jabs, so we’ll be FULLY skinny and hot on your special day.



The Vegas
I think Vegas gets a bad rap from people like Britney who don’t take the sanctity of the institution very seriously (barf). But listen. We could make your Vegas wedding totally classy and awesome. They also have sweet hotels, it’s hot (so back in the swim suit) and amazing clubs (from what I hear…I haven’t been…I’m not cool enough to go…yet). Vegas makes sense because so many people get married there, I’m sure they have the whole wedding she-bang down to an art. Which leaves more time for us to hang out and gamble and make poor life decisions. Plus it’s totes close to LA, so after we’re done getting you wifed up, I’ll just head on over to Hollywood so they can finally discover me and make me famous.

Then you can say you had a celebrity at your wedding, which makes it about 5x cooler.

You’re welcome.