The Big Dream and The Get-me-out-of-here

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There is a pandemic sweeping the lives of the late-twenty-early-thirty-something year olds who don’t have children, might have fur-babies and wake up one day asking themselves WHAT THE FUCK.

If you are reading this and taking a big deep breath because you realize you are not alone, you are welcome. If this awakens a long dormant sleeping dragon of thought that you suspected existed but you couldn’t fully recognize, then I apologize – because shiiiiit I am about to justify every niggle you ever felt.

We, the unsettled settled are out there and we are hungry, we are stubborn, we are restless and we are bursting out of our skins. Indulge me in self indulgence all you traditionalists.

Over countless coffee’s and beers, I’ve had the same conversation over and over again. The “I am stuck in a rut and I don’t even know how to get out because I’m too damn tired” one, where educated, hardworking, passionate people, lament the thought bubble we are stuck in. We were told we could have it all. So where is it? Cookie please!

The new normal is that we want to have jobs we like, we want to travel the world, have a couple babies, maybe get married and be able to afford it all while the job market around us is like “JK bae, 10+ years experience, no benefits, $38k pa and you cool with working unpaid overtime and weekends? Holla at me!” and the dating scene is a revolving door of fuckboys and girls who can’t make eye contact with anything but their phones. The news is going: Don’t even THINK about getting on a train/plane or congregating anywhere in public in case of shootings/bombings/knife attacks and our parents are getting older and more dependent. That isn’t depressing. No siree.

Believe me, I’m aware of how lucky I am. I’m writing this to you from a first world country that I am allowed to live in because my parents were born in the right place and got me a “good” passport. If I sound articulate or intelligent by any stretch, it’s because I am also educated thanks to that same birth place, and the guidance of two excellent people who poured money into my brain (via the veins of formal instructional institutions). I’m white, which means I hopefully wont get shot for no reason in my car, and I’m female, which puts me at an advantage or a disadvantage depending on who you talk to, and so long as I’m not running for president.

And listen, I’m the first person to call people out on #firstworldproblems. Believe me. I’ve walked on the sidelines of poverty, I know that there are deeper issues at play in our world than the demented cries of a person who can’t afford the new iPhone.

But if there is one thing I have learned over the last few months of the ups and downs, it is that you can’t just push away things that you feel, and you can’t panic or beat yourself up because you feel them (thanks Mum) or because you are so preoccupied with keeping up the pretences that you have your shit together on social media. We know you don’t have your shit together…we’ve been to your apartment.

I feel it and I’m calling it out. The transition from hopefully graduate to slightly more jaded adult is not that fun at the moment. It’s not cute any more that we feel directionless. This isn’t Sex and the City where our lack of partners is because there is just too much dick to choose from. Our parents are sitting us down telling us they’d “like to see us get on the property ladder” and we’re agreeing with them whole heartedly as we open another letter about our student loans and wondering if we’ll get scurvy if we eat no-brand frosted flakes five nights a week for dinner.

We all started out with such big dreams! We went to school and we played along and we were encouraged to day-dream about what we “wanted to be” when we grew up. And then half of us fell off the wagon somewhere after high school and shrugged and realized that our job’s maybe don’t have to be our careers. Then we split up again when some of us realized that we’d give up that dream job for the security of that paycheck, or the option to travel with work. Those of us that have stayed the course  are more often than not slamming our faces into our laptops in the public library when we are on the hunt for the next job or big break AGAIN, thinking about escaping through English teaching in Asia or “how much DOES selling your *insert body part or fluid* really pay?”

I don’t have the solution to the twentythirtysomething malaise, and no matter how I google it (or Bing it… just kidding The Bing is dead, long live the Bing), no advice post or computer filtered answer can make my decisions for me (though I’d invest in the app that could).

All I know is that personally, I live happiest in the carnage and constant movement of work and sensory overload – when there are TOO many plates spinning in the air (because when that happens, how could I possibly have time to turn inwards). That lifestyle doesn’t really jive-turkey with the expiring “rising-of-the-ladder” career trajectory theory, and I’m tired of trying to be a square peg in a round hole.

Success is measured in many different ways, which is a topic for another day.

But for today – for those this resonates with, just know that you are not alone, and I’ve come to know, for myself anyway, that is the door doesn’t open, I’m just going to have to buy a sledge hammer. The coffee is on me when it comes to these conversations, because maybe if we stack our thoughts and idea’s one on top of each other, we’ll find a way to climb out of these ruts.

 

5 things I thought would be different when I left home

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It has been almost 10 years since I left home and went out into the wild, scary, unknown world of adulthood living. I feel like I was truly and utterly underprepared for what was out there, and had I known, I’d have pulled a jew-dude (TM) and stayed at home until I was thirty.

But just like with black, there’s really no going back once you have fled the familial nest.

I just had so many misconceptions on what I thought living away from my parents would look like.

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  1. “I can eat whatever I want!”
    Oh, oh…ohhh how I dream of the lovingly prepared home cooked meals of yesteryear. So angry and angsty was I, when a meal was NOT EXACTLY what I felt like eating, but instead an equal measure of vegetables, meat and grains. MEAT! Do you know how expensive that shit is?! What I would give, to have two middle aged people cooking for me three times a day…
  2. “I can stay up SO late”
    Want to know what I did Friday, Saturday and Sunday night this past weekend? Binge watched The Wire (because I’m about 15 years behind in my television programming at this point). I am a morning person, so around 10/10.30pm I start to fade fast. I used to think living away from my parents would be sooooooo wicked because I could just drink and party and watch movies all night long…Turns out my favourite thing these days is sleep. Yeah. I’m pretty cool actually.

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  3. “I do what I want!”
    So long as it doesn’t cost money. Seriously. Sometimes over the last few years I have had all of the freedom and none of the money (funemployed/between contracts) and other times I have had some of the money and none of the time (J.O.B). When can I have all of the money and all of the freedom? (right…right…when I rob a bank Oceans Eleven style…got it…have you guys SEEN that movie? It just came out recently in 2001)
  4. “I can date whoever I choose!”
    Remember when your parents hated that guy you were dating in High School and you were like IHATEYOUWEAREINLOVEyoudon’tunderstandmeGETOUTOFMYROOM! Yeah well. Turns out they were right. Man when I was single, I would have given my left ovary (she’s the gimpy one I suspect) for my parents to be hovering over my shoulder as I swiped like: “No. No. No. Yes Paris. No he will have a weird thing for feet. No. No. What about that nice boy from the coffee shop?” It turns out I just wanna date guys that my parents will like and not weirdo’s with spider-man face tattoo’s. Go figure.
  5. “I’m going to get a creative job and YOU CAN’T STOP ME!”
    In grade 12 when picking degree time came, my mother said to me: “Do a degree with the name of a job in it” and I laughed in her face as I applied for my Bachelor of Arts. I guess, if you were to squint your eyes, choke yourself a bit until no oxygen went to your brain and then smoked some meth – you could really consider my whole life one elaborate “Art”. “So what do you do Paris?” oh me? I’m Art. Yeah I studied it at University. In reality, life has been interesting in the working world (#noregrets) but I definitely find myself veering more towards the corporate world as I see all my fellow creatives struggling and think fucccckthatshit. Oh you live in a basement apartment with your sibling, sister and co-business partners and you work in a deli 3 days a week but your new album just dropped on myspace? Cool dude, Imma go over here and work on my excel skills though….

So many people I know have babies now. Literally holding an infant a week ago and thinking: “this adorable squishy baby girl is going to slam a door in your face some day.”

I wish I could go back ten years and slap some sense into my 17 year old self. Eat my free meals, get my free laundry, and remind myself that unfortunately…your parents were right. Uh! Gross.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…or maims you horrifically for life

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I like that saying: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”(WDKYMYS). It sounds good, it’s inspirational. It makes you think “Heck, things were tough/awful/soul destroying – but I’m still here!!”

People have appropriated that saying into songs (looking at you Kelly Clarkson), put it on T-shirts, tattooed it on their bodies, put it over pictures of sunsets and posted it on each others walls when their friends have been dumped by jerk’s named Derrick (fuck you Derrick you meanie!)

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I like the expression, but I don’t know if I always agree with it.

Because sometimes things kill you a little bit inside and they make you feel weaker, they throw off your game.

Was Leo’s character stronger at the end of the Revenant after he got fucked up by a bear, watched his son get murdered, was left for dead and then had to crawl through the snow and shit of 1800’s Canada to Murder my future ex-husband/baby-daddy Tom Hardy’s character? (Oh yeah, spoiler alert… but seriously if you haven’t seen that movie yet get your shit together – it was nominated for and lost best picture like 5 months ago).

I mean…I guess he was stronger – like how calluses get stronger on the tops of your feet. But he was also weaker because he had lost his humanity, and he was a murderer murderer and he was gross (like a callus – see how I tied all that together? Yay Creative Writing Masters degree)

I wonder if people use WDKYMYS as a way to excuse awful situations they don’t know how to extricate themselves from?

I’d consider myself a strong person who has faced some challenges. Would I exchange them for an easy life where some of the shitty things didn’t happen to me? Yes of course! I’m not insane. Faced with two choices: an easy road and a hard, bush-basher of a path, I think most of us would choose the easy option.

But life doesn’t work like that, and there are plenty of things that will try to throw you off the plans you’ve made, a death in the family, a financial set-back, a painful divorce, an unexpected illness.

So I propose a re-word. “What doesn’t kill you makes you different” – because not all things make you stronger, and thats okay too.

You are not a failure if you come out of a near-death-esque experience and think: “well that fucking sucked” and you’re not stronger.

End of Thought.

 

I am not cool enough for Brooklyn

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A few weeks ago I turned 26 and officially said goodbye to pretending I’m still close to being twenty and not closer to being thirty (whatever… the alcohol intake is the same, just fancier) and to celebrate I took myself down to New York for the weekend (yay for Toronto for being close to stuff!)

I went to New York in July with my Dad and we did all the touristy stuff (that he paid for… thanks Papa!) so my plan for my birthday weekend in New York was to chill, walk around, and eat as much delicious food as I could find, and yes, probably consume a lot of alcohol.

Luckily for me, a good friend from Middle School lives in New York and offered for me to come and crash at her place in Brooklyn. THANKyoufreeaccomodation!

My brother and I went to Brooklyn one evening to meet with said friend one night in July. My brother is a 6”, dreadlocked, stocky dude with a scruffy face and a heart of gold. If I was walking alone on a street at night – I would cross to avoid him (sorry brah… but I don’t trust beards). We got off the subway at a cross section of Brooklyn which I’m told is up and coming and extremely trendy.

My brother thought we were about to get mugged.

Cue group of gangstery latino dudes chilling on a corner. Cue child with no shoes on empty street across from industrial lot kicking broken soccer ball against a wall. Cue dark and stormy night. Cue broken fire hydrant.

It’s okay, we survived and were taken to one of the most delicious all meat restaurants I have ever been to. We were not mugged, but we did get lost on the train system on the way home (No No you’re right New York, your train system is the best in the world and makes perfect sense! Why WOULD the Q run on Sundays after 3pm?! Ludicrous!)

There’s no denying that there is something about Brooklyn.

Throw all the creative, eccentric, wonderful people you know into a place and wonderful things are bound to happen. If New York is the big apple, then Brooklyn is the Japanese fusion, apple infused vegan mushroom brisket.

And I am not cool enough to belong there.

Maybe it’s because I’m a tourist or maybe because I’ve just never been very bohemian, but my outfits seemed to be lacking in feathers and tassels (I wore black leggings and some kind of top and boots most days – I looked like a fucking IDIOT!) and I couldn’t keep up with the slang. I am sarcastic and blunt and while Americans can be both of those things, people in Brooklyn seemed to take everything literally – which made me sound like more of a moron.

My friend has just moved to the East Village – a neighbourhood I spent a lot of time in, drifting out of cheese cake and antique shops. With it’s wrought iron fire escapes, tree lined streets and “stoops” it is VERY sex and the city, and much more where I picture myself.

It’s okay Brooklyn… you’re that hot guy at a party which is way out of my league, but the East Village is the guy that HAS too go out with me because our friends set us up and you’re to polite to leave.

 

Craigslist Crawl

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I love to procrastinate on the internet – there are so many cat videos and crazy personal stories to enjoy – the internet is like a buffet of junk food for my brain. I have access to all these amazing resources, could be increasing my knowledge or bettering myself but instead I trawl through reddit and buzzfeed type webpages, really learning nothing but secretly judging others from the comfort of a desk chair.

Sometimes when I’m stuffed to the gills with mind-garbage, I’ll go to weirder corners of the cyber-verse for my kicks. In my quest to kill time and learn nothing, I’ve pinned fashionable outfits I will never own, posted relationship advice to people I will never meet, and created online dating profiles to stalk/secretly judge those who pour their heart out online.

But the truth of the matter is, I dated a dude off the internet for two years. That’s not something that is a secret – and a large group of people know that I did (the University friends, ahhhh how they laughed at the time – what a stigma it was then back at the beginning of 2009) but it’s something that doesn’t always come up when you meet people.

Stranger: Hey, how are you?

Paris: Great, I used to have a boyfriend from the internet.

Annnnnd Scene. Great work everybody, take 5 and when we come back we’ll try it again, but this time our motivation will be that we’re trying to survive a bleak alien apocalypse while being awkwardly trapped in an elevator.

In case you don’t know me at all, I’m the heart broken type, and by that I mean, I get ridiculously caught up and moody over dudes I like that don’t like me back. Here is the blog I posted back in 2011 when I got dumped. You are probably highly impressed by the nuances and sophistication of early Austraalien blogs. I know I don’t cringe AT ALL whenever I go back in time *sarcasm intensifies.*

I find people fascinating and I am really interested in the stories of others.

There used to be such a limited way to meet people online specifically for dating/hooking up purposes, but now there are SO many ways to find that special someone that is just as weird as you.

Some online dating is like ordering off a menu – the dating profile trawl. Create a profile, select your preferences (height, smoking yes/no, eye colour, number of offspring, age, theories on what happened to that malaysian plane that no one seems to be talking about anymore) and then boom, a dating pool. You can weed out the people you’re not too sure about by a simple list of specifics tailored to your taste.

I used to tell people that online dating was great because you had it all out there on paper – you had all the facts and could use that to determine whether or not you had common ground. Whereas with real-life interaction you had to find out those things for yourself in person (boooo – human interaction – yuck).

So explain this one to me:

Craigslist personals.

I have used Craigslist since August 2011 when I was searching for a place to live in Toronto. I’ve used it multiple times for finding roomies, part time creative work and furniture. But it wasn’t until one fatefully cold, cooped up, winter night with an insane Australian friend (Lady Alexandra Howard, I miss you every day – an actual TITLED Lady just FYI), that I discovered the wacky world of the Craigslist personals.

If you’ve never been over to that part of the internet I suggest you go and fill your voyeuristic heart with glee. I have since spent many a drunken evening crawling through the pages, trying to avoid cock photos blatantly posted, and trying to decipher the craigslist codes (BBW?! What on earth…. to google!) In all honesty on drunken nights in it has become a drinking game tailored specifically to the judgey and lazy.

Never have I responded to a craigslist post, but lets be honest, in one of my FUCKITYOLO moments I’ve thought about it (that’s just how I roll… WILD CARD BITCHES).

I mean… most of the men looking for women posts involve promises of expert cunnilingus or requests to do with feet, or read like something out of 50 Shades of Grey (You want me to tie you up and spank you because you have been a very very bad girl… no I’m actually a really good girl, I vote and pay my taxes and I give up my seat *coughsometimes* to old people so um….) – none of it really appeals to me.

And yet… I currently know two couples in functioning, lovely relationships who met off craigslist.

One couple, I know for a fact, literally happened because of the success of the first couple. Girl in couple two saw what couple one had and went – YEP, help me tailor a personals ad. Both couples are killing it with the whole adult-grownup-thing, so rock on you adorable internet people.

I’ve never discussed with either female-couple-half how many weirdo’s contacted her (I’m guessing quite a few) – but that is besides the point!

In the ever changing landscape of dating and how we as humans spend our time, there really isn’t any excuse to be single if you don’t want to be, what with the smorgasbord of online options.

Step 1: Go online
Step 2: Order boyfriend
Step 3: Hit the little trolley icon in the top right corner
Step 4: Happily ever after.

Right?

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Hmmmm

Or maybe not…yet…

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Since March I have lived right smack bang in the middle of the Toronto Downtown core. There are a number of advantages associated with my new location. For one, there are like 4 hospitals around the corner, so if I ever injure myself during alcohol-related activities, I am super close to medical attention. Another advantage is that I can walk almost anywhere that I want to go in 20 minutes or less. This is great because I am so incredibly stingy when it comes to cabbing places, um… hello…I have a metro pass and two perfectly capable legs.

Toronto feels very safe to me, especially in comparison to the neighbourhood I used to live in during my time at University in Sydney (sandwiched between crackie-town and sketchville-city) and I walk around at all times of the day and night with nary a wary look over my shoulder. The streets are well lit, and lets be honest, Canadians are nice.

But lately I’ve noticed the rise of something women all around the world deal with: Cat Calling.

What is the brain-thoughts behind cat-calling a woman on the street? What is it that a car full of dudes is trying to achieve by yelling things out of a moving vehicle? Is the pickup line meant to be so great, that I will immediately drop what I’m doing, hop into a car and zoom off into my future? Somehow develop bionic man like abilities and keep pace with the car, running alongside it until we stop at an appropriate place so I can fall to my knees and beg you to let me worship your maleness?

So how did you guys meet?

Well… I was on my way to dinner and he screamed “NICE ASS!!!” on the corner of Yonge and Dundas. And that was it for me. I just… knew.

I don’t think so.

What part of a woman walking down the street makes someone think that it is appropriate to yell things? I’ve heard it all.

From HIIII!!! (nice one) to “Girl, you tired, cos you been running through my mind all day!” (Actually I laughed and gave the guys a thumbs up for that one – which probably means they’ll just try it again and I am now part of the problem) and “Whats a guy gotta do to get your number?” to which I replied “Just call 1800-I don’t think so” (I know… I’m great under pressure and just felt like bragging about it on my blog.)

I’m just so confused. Is it funny? Is it for real? Does that guy really want to know where I’m from, gurrrl? Why isn’t he pulling over – it is a very long and boring story.

I have literally NEVER yelled something out of a car window (at someone I didn’t know – friends…well that’s just fair game) where is this coming from? And what would I say if the roles were reversed?

You’re HOT! I’d really like to take lots of selfless with you for my Facebook wall so everyone I never see in real life is crazy jealous!

HEY! You look like you have a great job and my mother would approve of you!

Lets sleep together and then lets make it super weird in the morning and never speak again!

(God I’m smooth)

It is also terrifying if you are a woman and alone on a street at night. Please don’t scream things at me, I’m on the lookout for muggers and rapists, please don’t make loud sounds. I am also trying to make sure my tiny dress covers enough of my legs so that I don’t look slutty but also so you can see how mega my tan is this summer. You’re just adding an extra layer of things I have to contend with man.

Stop making it weird.

 

I hate going to the Gym but I hate being Fat more

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Today, like most days I set my alarm for 6am because yesterday, like most days, I could not be fucked going to the gym after work. Today, like most days, I rolled over, denied my alarm and re-set it for 7.45am.

I have calculated the exact number of minutes it takes for me to check my facebook first thing (gotta know whats happening on them Internets) slather my face in make up, pretend my hair looks all sexy and fresh-outta-the-bed-tousled “naturally”(yeaaaahhhhright), cut up some fruit, add almond milk and gross healthy seeds and blend it to a fine brown paste of sweet baby puke which I then sip, as I gag and curse the heavens. Brush the yellow pearly whites, choose which fab (least hobo-ish) outfit to wear, try to figure out if my outfit is too slutty, realize I don’t have time to change anyway, but yes I should probably invest in some not-skintight clothing now that I have a “real” (ish) job and get out the door so I can either pack into a super crowded subway car, or walk in the fresh (read still -4 degrees + WINDCHILL, mother nature you bi-polar BITCH) Toronto spring weather to get to the office on time.

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And then spend the rest of the day kicking myself for not just getting up and going to the bloody gym as I google pictures of Prince Harry’s gorgeous (and thin) would-be-fiance (I’m coming for you Cressida).

I fucking hate the gym.

People who tell me they love the Gym are out of their goddamn minds/have reached a place where they have replaced fun drugs with endorphin drugs. They are endorphin-addicts. Healthy Harold needs to have a serious talk with you guys. Seriously, track marks/running tracks -same same but different you overly-happy, protein punching psychopaths.

But I digress.

I have no idea how anyone could love a room that smells like sweaty boy-private parts/meaty farts, that contains all 360-degree full length mirrors so one can successfully gawp at all ones jiggling flaws with machines that make you burn and hurt and sweat and cry and beg (no more treadmill… I concede, I concede *weeps*).

But then I don’t know how anyone could love Honey Boo Boo’s mother and scienticifics tell me that she has had sex at least four times so…

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The reason I go to the prison of misery is simple:

laziness.

Que? – you ask. Or maybe you don’t – I don’t speak Spanish.

One would think that the very opposite would be true of someone with lazy running slowly walking, through their veins.

You: But Paris, if you’re as lazy as you claim – you wouldn’t be going to the gym at all! You’d be 659lbs and you’d have Chihuahua dogs, 4 of whom you’d accidentally have squished in your sleep when you rolled over!

Too true concerned citizen. Five points to Gryffindor for your astute observations.

But in reality – getting that fat means I would in fact have to do more in the long run.

Here’s how I figure:

Step 1: Get thin and mega attractive (thin is in… deal with it)
Step 2: Entice a wider selection of potential life-partners
Step 3: Now that am prized possession, select partner with most resources good hunter/fire builder/best cave location
Step 4: Entice partner into legal situation where my happiness is now THEIR responsibility and they must do my bidding
Step 5: Profit

If I was 659lbs of pure ugly and loneliness, I’d have to do things all for myself.
Need to replace the light in the bathroom?
Fat Paris: struggles to reach ceiling as she is 5″4 of uncoordinated girliness girthiness
Thin Paris: Casually select any of the multitude of dudes dying to screw anything of mine in.

Need to tell Jehovah’s Witness people to fuck off?
Fat Paris: Trapped in house. Must listen.
Thin Paris: Not at home – out on fabulous dates. TTYL jesus.

You see where this going.

Yes I hate the Gym, but I also hate doing Laundry (see post below). Both of these things could be cured with unlimited money resources, but as I’m the bottom of the food chain of my industry…

Well.

I’ve set the alarm for 6am tomorrow.

 

Speed Dating

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I feel like everybody needs good stories from when they were single (those crazy ol’ days) to regale their recently divorced female friends (fuck him! we never liked him anyway!) & grandchildren (see kids, your GamGam used to be a hot piece of ass… now hand me the Tequila and don’t tell your father).

So that’s what I figure I’m doing – just collecting up the stories for the happy hour tall-tale box, stories I’ll embellish and cover in memory rhinestones when I’m stuck in a loveless marriage 20 years from now.

Hey Paris! Wanna go on a date?
Yeah sure! 
Wanna go on a blind date?
Um… yea!
Wanna go on a blind date with 18 guys at five minutes a sesh?
…K? 

I didn’t really put too much thought into my speed dating cherrypop until the morning of. I didn’t exacccctly sign up for the event, more got roped into it by a friend who hosts it, facilitating young love and such…wait…Dan are you cupid!?

Hold the phone, I got some ‘vestigating to do.

No plans Saturday night? Forced interaction with members of the opposite sex? I’m in. and bonus! I convinced another single gal pal to come along so we could enjoy the delights of Toronto speed dating together.

I was all set until for the dating extravaganza until Saturday brunch with my little brother, who asked me if I had thought about any questions I wanted to ask these dudes.

Er.

No. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

I have no problem just chatting with people I don’t know/ have just met (thank you Expat upbringing) so why would this be any different?

Oh wait… because we have five minutes.

And these people are trying to suss out if they want to ever see you again ever. Which they will decide on first encounter.

None of this: well she’s hideously awkward on first encounter but you learn to love her quirks.

Five minutes. Do or die. Date or un-date … (whatever just go with it).

It’s a very pressure-cooker situation, where love is the steam and you and your new blind date are the meats and vegetables…stewing together. Will the stew be tasty and delicious or bland and overcooked (yes! I am rocking the imagery today).

To combat the surprising amount of nerves I felt, partly in relation to the under-prepared question thing (so… do you like stuff?) and partly because five minutes before I walked in and due to the suns angle in my friends car I realized I have been cultivating quite the lady-mustache (good god! This is why I will die alone) I did what any sane person would do. I walked in, got my sticker and booklet of judgement (Yes/No ________Comments) and ordered a significant amount of booze.

The worst part of the experience was for SURE the 20 minutes before the actual speed dating began, with all us singles milling around the bar sort of eyeing each other up. Many stood in silence, a few chatted with members of the same sex, but it all very very tense and very awkward.

Perhaps this is the reason for the amount of liquid courage I consumed (then again, maybe I just have a problem).

The venue was one of those annoying frou frou vodka bars so they didn’t have Cider (how about rum? no? FUCK) that had a rude bartender and uber dark interior. I had a couple Vodka Diet Cokes (at extortionate prices) and then switched to a pitcher of Vodka laced Lemonade that I was supposed to share with my blind-dating pal (not a blind pal… just to be clear). Key words there are “supposed to”, too bad they sat her a table away from me, so I had no choice but to drink almost the entire jug myself, while trying out my first impressions on total strangers.

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Did I debate making shit up? Yes.

Did I? No.

Why not? Because I’m not that quick on my feet and also everybody seemed really nice for the most part and I didn’t want to lie, or more importantly get caught out in a lie (oh the humiliation).

What did I learn?
Most of the dudes at this event wanted to meet someone and were either sick of online dating or didn’t like the idea of it. One guy actually told me that online dating suuuu-hhhucks for guys because girls get inundated with messages and the gents will very rarely get a response. Also a jug of alcoholic lemonade is a lot and I don’t have a very strong tolerance. And my mustache isn’t that bad but there are definitely places I can get it waxed (yay).

Should you try Speed dating?
Are you single? Do you hate online dating? Are you okay in person? Do you have an open attitude when it comes to this sort of thing? If yes, then my answer is yes. What have you got to lose? The guys were nice, and some of the conversations were funny, although it felt weird when they walked away and made notes or if you were in the middle of a conversation and the bell rang and they were like OKHAYBYE.

Would I do it again?
Why not?

This message brought to you by the Drunk Mustache Single Girls Society. Don’t drink and Mustache.

P.

7 Things male animals do that make them better than male humans

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I am in no way condoning bestiality over here, but seriously, males in the wild are working their asses off to impress the female of their breed.
Which is perhaps more than can be said for my species (although many of them it’s like we’re in the wild, guys it’s called a brush…get one), I mean from what I know from afar, because…you know. I’ve never even kissed a boy or seen one up close (hi Mum and Dad).

Here are 7 things male animals do that make them better than male humans

1. Penguins finding the perfect pebble for their mate
Okay. You’re thinking to yourself, Paris, you are an idiot. Human males give certain rocks (diamonds) to their mates as a sign of affection allllll the tiiiiimmmmme. It’s called an engagement ring, and just because you’ve never been offered one, doesn’t mean they don’t exist in real life (hypothetical question time out:…if a tree falls in the woods, and everybody else is off getting engaged…does my forever-alone sobbing still make a sound??! Annnnd unfreeze, back to the blog).
And I would say, yes kind sir, you are right, there is a similarity to human males presenting stones to their beloved, BUT I would argue that Penguins do it better. Why??! Because according to the few articles I scanned birefly, Penguins scour the whole damn beach to find that perfect stone! They do all the hard work by themselves. They didn’t just go into Tiffany’s and/or their friend Ari’s store. Did your human male go to Africa to source that shiny stone? Did they comb the mines of Diamond-topia (where I assume diamonds come from) to choose the perfect raw material to adorn your nest finger I think not. Penguins > Humans. I rest my case.

vintage-awkward-wedding-photo

2. Frogs sing to their mates
The last time a guy full on sang to me, I was in a Karaoke bar the wrong side of 2am and immediately after his unintelligible rendition of, I think “Achy Breaky heart,” he threw up in his mouth a little and ran out of the room, to, I guess, throw up somewhere not his own orifice. SO Romantic. We’re getting married in the spring! And I ain’t no frog, so frog singing doesn’t appeal to me any more than what I just described above (who am I kidding, it totally appeals more) but if I was a frog, I’d be all into it. There is nothing more adorable than a male human crooning to you. They don’t have to be amazing (I’m casting my mind back to year 10 when my first ever boyfriend and his band wrote a part of their song about me and dedicated it to me at the battle of the bands. “Fall from Glory” Swoon!) but it’s definitely got to be sincere, like a frog. Got it?

3. Birds of Paradise bust a move 
Birds of Paradise dance and do a display to attract a female mate. Which I’m pretty sure was what was happening at the Cougar Bar I wound up at last weekend, only, I’m not attracted to the display of you thrusting your pelvis’s in the direction of anything with a vagina and pumping one fist in the air. You might want to work on your motions (thanks thesaurus.com), overly handsy guy I just walked past. Oh sorry, did walking over here with my female friend denote that we are both ready and available for mating? Nope. Male Birds of Paradise have better moves than most/all human males. Don’t believe me? Check it. You’re welcome. Don’t get trapped in the animal planet part of youtube. It’ll suck up your time and the weekend will be over before you know it. And there are things you can never unsee.

funny-demotivational-poster1-e1290864238399

4. Seahorses give birth like a boss
You read that right. Male seahorses are the ones that give birth. I know, I know, you and I are both thinking about having species-re-assignment surgery. It’s okay. This is a safe place. I am a seahorse trapped in the body of a human. Shhh. It’s all good. We’ll find a way to tell your racist, homophobic, speciest Great Aunt Maude. No but seriously. I know a few people who have given birth recently and from what I understand, that shit is disgusting. I even wrote a blog about it which you can view here. If your male human REAAAAALLY loved you, he’d find a way to be the one to carry and birth your offspring. What, you mean you aren’t going to bend the laws of what is physically possible for our species? Well fuck you guy, we’re done! *Storms out into the rain and calls girlfriends for post-breakup-with-non-pregnant-boyfriend cocktails.*

thomas_beatie

5. Bower birds and their Sweet Pads
The male humans that live without female cohabitation that I know, live one level above utter filth. There are slums in Mumbai that smell better than some of the apartments inhabited solely by males of the human variety that I’ve walked into. SO I think we can all agree that they have something to learn from the male Bower Bird, who takes decorating his nest VERY seriously. And you might argue that you know guys that take care of their habitat, to which I would counter argue that that male probably didn’t build his own home from twigs and sticks and isn’t a bird and didn’t choose each item lovingly and/or steal it from his neighbor. Or maybe he did, in which case, you’ve got a real keeper there.

Good God I'm Attractive

Good God I’m Attractive

6. Anglerfish
So, if you’re like me and you LOVE finding Nemo, you vaguely know about these guys. What you may not know is that female Anglerfish are often hundreds of times larger than their male counterparts. Ever tried to go out with a dude that is skinnier than you. I know I haven’t. I am a curvy (read, borderline fat) girl who likes to feel like a dainty princess. Is that going to happen when my boyfriends legs are skinnier than mine. NoIDon’tThinkSo. (And suddenly my mother justifies the pattern of my last 3 boyfriends in her mind and can sleep content at last.) Being the bigger, stronger one in the relationship is fine…but not for me.

Also, the Anglerfish have a REALLY weird mating habit. Because these guys hang out way way down in the deep and encounters are rarer than finding a good guy on OKcupid, the male Anglerfish becomes a parasite that just hangs onto the female.

Wiki says: “When a male finds a female, he bites into her skin, and releases an enzyme that digests the skin of his mouth and her body, fusing the pair down to the blood-vessel level.[15] The male becomes dependent on the female host for survival by receiving nutrients via their shared circulatory system, and provides sperm to the female in return. After fusing, males increase in volume and become much larger relative to free-living males of the species. They live and remain reproductively functional as long as the female lives and can take part in multiple spawnings”….

UM. No. I don’t want to be responsible for a guys survival, nor do I want us to be fused together. I think the humans have won this round….

7. Penis Fencing… nuff said
Wow. Aren’t you glad that you know that a thing such as penis fencing exists? I know I am, and I’m not talking about two dudes crossing streams at the urinal (which in my imagination happens all the time, especially in corporate office bathrooms). So there are these creatures called hermaphroditic flatworms, and turns out these creates carry both egg producing ovaries and sperm producing testes.

This is taken straight from Wikipedia:
“The flatworms “fence” using two-headed dagger-like penises which are pointed, and white in color. The mating ritual involves a violent battle during which two hermaphroditic flatworms attempt to pierce the skin of one another with one of their penises. The “winner” is the organism that inseminates the other; the winner becomes the father. The sperm is absorbed through pores in the skin, causing fertilization in the “loser,” who becomes the mother.

Child-bearing, while necessary for successful offspring production, requires a considerable parental investment in time and energy, and according to Bateman’s principle, almost always burdens the “mother”. Thus, from a biological point of view, it is preferable to be the father rather than the mother. However, there are other hermaphroditic species where both partners try to be inseminated rather than to inseminate”

Wow….

I have nothing to say about that except I think in that instance, I’m fine with the way human beings do things.

So keep it up dudes (literally I guess…in the mating sense) you won 2/7.

Flirting Fails: A guide to my life AKA 6 things you are doing that are turning the opposite sex off…forever

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I’ve been in and out of mid-length relationships for the last 10 years, which is surprising really, because I am a HORRIBLE flirt. Maybe that is why I am such a bad flirt. I missed all those years of getting that adolescent awkwardness out of the way, and now I’m as good at flirting as Lindsay Lohan is at not snorting Cocaine. *Bazinga! – you may applaud my pop-culture reference*

Truth is, I’m 24 and 4 fifths and I got no game.

No no friends, don’t try to console me and say:

“Paris, what are you saying!? You’ve got plenty of game!” because you see me talking to dudes.

Because what you are confusing for game is tits. Tits, my friends – will only get you so far.

These aren’t all about me BTW (mkayyyy most of them are) but if you’re doing the below, you’re probably alone and single and crying softly into one of those Japanese arm pillows I know you have.

6. Oh you seem to like me? Let me overanalyze ever word of your one word text with 15 of my closest friends.
It took me two hours to craft the response “good thanks, you?” when you asked how my day was going. It’s cool. I have a Masters of Creative Writing you know.

5. You’re texting me asking me how I’m “doin” at 11.37pm and I reply with a really long wordy response. (Also are you secretly Joey from Friends?) 
I’m so glad you texted guy I met one time at a bar, because I was really looking to offload and couldn’t get to sleep. Hey! Why aren’t you writing back? You did ask.

4. Hey, let me hit on with a really off-colour joke/sexual proposition as my opening line.
What? Why are you making that face and walking away? It worked like, 2 years ago?

Tinder Fail

3. I’m a bit drunk and I’m pretty sure at this point I’m the best dancer in the room. Check out my moves.
And pose, and pose and double dream handssssPOSE.

120910_double_dream_hands_t

2. We’ve been on like 4 dates.
Aren’t we dating now? Let me text you 50 times so you know I have no friends AND no game.

1. I drunk dialled you waaaaay too soon before it was cute. Whoops-giggle-hee-hee
Seeeeeeeyou never bitch. Delete.

Men (and women) of the world, be patient with those of us that seem like we should know better. Maybe we do and we’re just awful people, or maybe we haven’t had much practise and this is us attempting to become more worldly/better game players*.

 

* I should point out that I think playing games during dating is stupid and Juvenile and should be avoided. AhhhhnnnnnND that is why tonight I’m paying for my own damn dinner.

Happy Friday