50 something things you should not buy for your 50 something Father on his Birthday

302909_10200878956672825_989795444_nOh hey everyone! It’s my Dad’s birthday! Happy Birthday Austraalien Papa. I don’t know how you feel about me revealing your age on the interwebs, so lets just leave it at the vague 5o something mark.

Here are 50 something things you shouldn’t get your Father on his 50 Something Birthday:

1. A 40 oz Bottle of Hard Liquor
Pops, you’re old now. You should be in bed by 8.30pm LATEST. What do you think you are?! Forty something?! Enjoy your 50’s with some chamomile tea and MAYBE a glass of Bailey’s and Milk…if it’s Christmas… and you’re feeling wild and frisky.

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2. A Pet Rock
Dad, I just don’t know how many more years you’re going to be around, and a Pet rock is a lot of responsibility. I wouldn’t want to get you a pet rock only for me to have to adopt it back. So. Probs just stick to pets that die more frequently. Like Goldfish. Good ol’ predictably death-hungry fishes. Yay!

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3. A “cool” Sweater
I don’t want you to get mugged by hipsters who want to steal your style, you trendy old man you (I already see them eyeing up your 80’s jeans…isn’t it great they came back in fashion!)

4. A Map
Look Dad, all of the places you wanted to visit but you never will!

5. Book, “100 Places to see before you die”
Ditto.

6. Best of Nickleback CD
No one should own this, and despite the old man jokes, I actually love you.

7. A life-time membership anywhere
Well. You’re not going to use it much are you? Probs should have bought it for you when you were born. Get the most use out of it.

8. A Pound of Mar-i-ju-ana
You’re already moving slow enough and laughing at lame things. Lets just leave that one alone.

9. A Vehicle
PAHAHA like i’ll ever be able to afford a vehicle. Also should you be driving? Think of society.

10. Google Glasses

11. Salsa classes

12. A potato

13. Underwear

14. A blow up sex doll

15. Concert Tickets
Who knows if you’ll be around… we can’t plan that far ahead!

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16. A mirror

17. Ties
How many working days do you really have left in you?

18. A retirement plan
Can’t afford…on your own old man

19. Adult diapers
I don’t want to deal with your shit…literally…

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20. Tight leather pants

21. Ski’s

22. Unicycle

23. Condoms

24. An escort

25. A guide dog

26. A hearing aid

27. A disabled parking permit

28. Extra slippery shower soap

29. Expired milk

30. Heroin

31. Skydiving Lessons

32. Netty-pot

33. A pound of Butter

34. Swim with Sharks experience

35. A turtle
I don’t want you to feel bad when it out lives you

36. Protein Powder
Do you even Lift?

37. Back Wax

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38. Crack Wax

39. Sack Wax

40. G-string

41. Samurai Sword

42. Light Saber

43. Electric Knife

44. Blender

45. Wooden Spoon
Wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

46. Map to buried Treasure

47. Cursed Amulet

48. 10,000 Piece Jigsaw Puzzle
I don’t want you to never know what it creates!

49. Poison Toad

50. List of 50 something things people shouldn’t buy you and take every opportunity to poke fun at how old you are…..ohhhhh shitttt

Just kidding Daddy! I love you so much, and I hope one day I’ll be as cool as you were in your mid to late twenties.

And as skinny.Thanks for the Genes!

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Things that are Gross about Childbirth AKA It’s my Birthday! Yay!

I’m so glad I was born.

I’m not sure how I would have come to exist if I wasn’t, but I’m definitely not thankful enough that my parents decided to fuck around with their birth control and then actually have me. Cheers you guys!

Pregnancy and Childbirth look kind of revolting and terrifying from where I’m standing and in recognition of the day I was ejected into the world, I thought I would compile a short list of the things that look the grossest from over here in singleton (population one).

Enjoy

5 Things that are Freaky about Pregnancy & Childbirth

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1. There is a person…inside you…and not in a Saturday night way
I always thought it was weird watching movies (and…I guess in real life) when an expectant mother is like “hey put your hand over here. You can feel the baby kicking.” What. THE. Fuck. A baby is kicking you in the stomach…from inside your stomach. Why would I want to touch that!? Why aren’t you freaking out?! Lets think about that for a second longer. Your child is living inside you. That is his or her house. Near your organs. Am I the only one that thinks thats a bit fucked up? I get it. Thats how babies are made (I took year seven sex ed thankyouverymuch and I’m pretty sure Australian babies are stored the same way as other babies…just upside down). I don’t want a person to live inside me! In todays society we get so little personal space in big cities, and you’re telling me I have to share my insides.

man thats whack.

2. Mood Swings … You in?
Sometimes its hard to know when something is just a you thing or if it’s an everybody thing. Like PMS for example. It is generally understood that most women suffer in one way or another from PMS. Angry/crazy mood swings, feeling sad, feeling fat, feeling paranoid, crying for no reason at all. I can get a handle on that, most women I know are somewhere on the crazy scale at all times. We get it, we’ve been there, maybe we’re there right now. NO I’M NOT! *cries*

Now I’m trying to imagine being pregnant. It’s likely just you (and your new pregnant friends that you made at some weird class where you practise giving birth or something) and your mood swings. You feel like you’re being crazy and going through this alone…yeah pretty much. No body understands what your going through…well other women who have had babies probably do a bit, but they aren’t actually with you in the moment right now. So… you clutch that watermelon and cry. You go Glen Coco.

3. and Stretch Marks…
Oh man, what’s not sexy about stretch marks?

4. 5Childbirth
I hate needles. I fainted in thailand after I had to get two shots after some freaking monkeys attacked me. Giving birth to a child seems like it involves a tonne of needles. Pain blockers (obviously) drips (uhhhhnooo) tests, surgery if it’s a C-section. They will cut you open or your child will rip you open. Decisions, decisions.
We all know where I could go on this topic. But I’m not going to go there. Mainly because if I start typing out all the things that are on the tip of my tongue, I’m going to start imagining them, and I’ve been trying really hard not to throw up at work today (so far, success!)
But lets all just agree that Childbirth looks painful and messy, and I don’t know how people did it before all the drugs that can take you off to a happy place. Props ancestors. Props.

5. Now what?
Now you have had your child and then…now you are responsible for this creature…forever. My mum just posted a thing on Facebook about how she can’t believe how fast the time has gone now I’m at the quarter century mark. And she’s still not rid of me. I’m going to be drink dialling that woman for the rest of her life. Hope you enjoyed those brief 19 years where I wasn’t in your life demanding attention and care every single day. Golden days.

Happy birthday to me, and to my parents who had me (not you Dad, you just got to stand in the room) and raised me and stuff.

I guess having a baby must not be all bad because people keep doing it.

And hey, I’ve thought about doing skydiving, so probably one day i’ll be crazy enough to think reproducing is a great idea.

Hopefully by then there will be some kind of technology where you can just put all the bits together into a holographic microwave type machine and then a baby just kind of gets made.

That or pull a Nicole Kidman and just pay someone else to have it.

End Rant.