Cosmo Sex Tips are ruining my life

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As an English Major I’ve read a lot of literature in my time, and I continue to read everything from the Game of Thrones series, sci-fi books like Enders Game, biographies and all the chick-lit in between. So for me a Magazine is like junk food for my brain. 

I mean who doesn’t want to look at pictures of chicks wearing hot stuff, with perfect makeup and hair, and be like pfffft I could be a model.

And there are articles in Magazines too. Some of them are great. Many of them relate to sex. Because thats all I’m into as a woman, clothes, and how to please my man. I just had to double check it’s not the 1950’s. Nope. phewph. 

Some of the sex tips are eyebrow raisers, some of them will outright get you punched in the face.

 

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…..there are no words. I’m trying to picture the guy I likes reaction if I tried this. Like, hey baby I want to fork you REALLY hard…in the butt. This one will definitely get you a punch in the face. Next tip from cosmo? Heat a spoon and stick it right up in there. Guys love this. Tonnes of nerves up there. Okay I may have gone a bit far. I’m gagging.

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Me: I TOLD you I like SUNFLOWERS. It remembers my favourite flower or else it gets the wax again.

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I feel like this is unhelpful. Because it’s lacking some very important information, like, when is this appropriate and kinda can you be more specific. I can’t wait to taste your toes. MMMMMM especially if you just got done sport or the gym. Nummynummy sweaty feet tastiness. I can’t wait to taste your beard. It’s…crunchy and delicious. I can’t wait to taste your elbow. Nibble nibble. Somebody call Lays, I think I just came up with their newest flavours. Also, when is this applicable. Dinner? Family dinner? At the bank? I need more information.

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Seriously? Should I just walk around being like WHOOPSIES?

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Why stop at water? Why not jelly? Or Ham? Why not whoopsie wet ham down the front of my shirt? That outta get his attention.

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Okay Cosmo. What I’m visualizing right now is I’m a lip licking, moaning clumsy babe, walking around with her butt poised in your general direction at all times, like entering rooms backwards, constantly kind of at a 90 degree angle. Batt eye-lashes. Now I’m irresistible?

 I’m pretty sure the guys I know would back slowly out of the room and then have me committed if I acted like this. Somewhere with soft walls and plenty of electromagnetic pulses. Which I’m sure the writers at cosmo would be totally into.

Eg:

Tip 18: next time he has you committed to a mental facility, try to sexy up the mood by playfully biting at your restraining straps. Arch your back seductively when they zap you with electricity. Those straight jackets are totally hot because they push your arms under your boobs making them look TOTES big.

No Cosmo.

Just no.

 

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2 thoughts on “Cosmo Sex Tips are ruining my life

  1. Hahahah, this is actually the second time I’ve heard the first tip stated. I guess we’re really into that.

    Either way, funniest thing I’ve read maybe all week. Thank you.

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